tourism at its finest

Saturday I realized I'm still avoiding looking like a tourist

Sunday I remembered that this life isn't where I belong

And Monday I couldn't face the world in honesty

my soul is aching watching my mind tear my heart out of its cage shaking my body

air escapes my lungs before i can to scream "WHY CAN'T YOU ALL JUST GET ALONG?" 

nothing but gasps and sobs can leave my trembling lips 

I like to dream that I'm not alone.. 

that others are trying to stitch their minds, hearts, bodies, and spirits together

believing that one day they won't try to destroy each other 

one day they'll come together like the Virginia Titans

and shine and thrive and smile and heal

together.

but my hands grip my sides

and my mind runs through shadows

while my heart looks everywhere for a hug

and my soul silently hides in the corner, not sure of where to go, or how to help

I believe that one day the pieces will fit

that my heart will hug the roots of hurt in my mind

and my soul inside my body will shine

and thrive

and smile the widest smile, putting every kindergartner's first-day grin to shame

and my soul and body and mind and heart

will be friends

because they'll have healed 

together. 

so until then

I will be a tourist in my own mind

                         learning something new every day

                                           discovering the beauty of the lost cities in my memories

                                                                         taking pictures of each corner

                                                                                                  remembering the hurt

and remembering the triumphs of each year in this place my soul calls home

and I'll call it my home

and see it as a beautiful and inspiring history 

and I'll no longer pretend I'm not a tourist

and I'll belong

and I'll face the world with my scars and shaking fingers and a beating, battered heart

and I'll shine. 

but my mind isn't getting along with my body and my soul believes they are both far too weak to keep us going through everything we're facing 

so we wait another day

cry another day

lie here

just one

           more 

                  day

                       ...

sleep walking

Oh heart, please wake up

I know you are aching

And beating seems paralyzing

I'm just scared that you'll sleep forever

Oh mind, please pay attention

You don't need to stress about those tests

They've come and gone

I'm afraid you're ignoring what you haven't given time to process

Oh hands, please let go

You're holding on so tight to being okay

Please let us fall apart

I want to fall and for it to be ugly and healing

Oh darling, please take a moment

To mourn

To cry

To just be held for a little while

Time is not an issue

Feelings are not a problem

You will make it through this

Please take a breath

Wake up

Break down your walls

Let go

Allow broken to be broken

Only then will you find what is beautiful and what needs mending

Please fall apart

I don't want to be numb

I don't want to be asleep

I want to feel-- no matter how much it hurts

No matter how fast i think to run

I will fall with you

Our sobs will be a song of pain and hope harmonizing together

Please wake up

Please be here

Please let go

Take this moment.

Remember

it's better to just not be okay

what's the most poetic way to say I hate you?

oh, the people you must have met to believe that a girl would fake a pregnancy and mental illnesses to get out of class

who hurt you?

I stand

and I faint

and I fall to the ground while you exclaim

FAKE

 

fake?

please sir, tell me what's fake.

my racing heart?

my panic when I saw your face?

or maybe the way my eyes rolled into my head before I crashed to the floor.

I'm sorry sir, but the only thing that is fake is the sincerity behind your voice when you say you understand and know that any of this is serious

my education was never meant to be a game

I did not empty my wallet to be doubted

I did not email you my soul for you to brush it off like an insect on your shoulder

I believe you have a life in which you have worked hard and struggled and even failed but do not understand how you can turn your focus away from an honest plea as if it is an obnoxious salesman at your doorstep

mail to 270 s 200 e

oh someone, Please write me a love letter 

paint me a picture of my mind

illustrate the thoughts that pouR off my tongue into the sky lifting souls to the stars

feather in beauty and sadness from the deep sulci entangling each lobe like lace

tell me stories of days you find me dancing doing dishes and singing songs to myself

tell me how you notice the moments when i cry, head bowed, staring into the two lakes i create

tell me i'm the main character, describe who she is and why you think the plot armor is strong enough to save her from her demons

remind me yOu see me

and not just the "andra is always a good friend and does her best and lifts others"

let me know you see the "andra can't seem to wake up on time and is always running late, she doesn't seem to go to classes and is very behind in school and she isn't kind to herself and seems to have stopped believing in her ability to reach her dreams.. i don't think she's okay"

oh please tell me that the girl you fell in loVe with is still in here somewhere..

and if you could

please invite her to be a part of the mess that i am now

oh someone

please write me a love letter

write it to remind my mind that someone could love me

and not just for the good of me

oh please tell me that the dark and the ugly are a part of your love, toO

oh please write me a love letter 

use pretty words and real events and convince my mind that it isn't aboUt someone you've dreamed up

oh please write me a love letTer 

i tried writing one myself..

oh please write me a love letter 

because i don't have the strength

oh please 

if you cannot write me a love letter

let me lie here and cry till it's over 

i wish i didn't need a love letter 

oh how i wish i simply loved me

~jqp

12 AM always made for better poems

desert eyes and a stony back call out "uncle" and beg for sleep

but my wall-street-schedule-brain clicks away

a dog snores at the base of the bed while my husband softly breathes to my right

a day alone begs to meet me on the other side of a good night's rest and I rarely look forward to it

my mind is a maze of my disorder's contradictions

if you go straight remember to be sad that you're alone

turn left? reach out to friends but DO NOT make plans-- This would be a dead-end because you will not follow through and in turn, will feel worse

take a right! hang out with friends but remember anxiety attacks will precede and follow such an event 

don't bother trying to jump the walls, there are a billion more issues about daily tasks and reaching goals beyond social issues

I beg to be rid of the mess

I beg to be put first

I beg to be able to chase my dreams and not be stuck when I can't get myself to eat or clean

I beg to be okay while I preach to others that it's okay to not be..

and sure, maybe it is okay not to be okay, but that doesn't make it suck any less

I have so many good things ahead of me and I can't get myself to see past a lonely 10 hours on a Wednesday

so please dear universe, show me I won't fail

help me see that a life intertwined with excessive tears and shaky hands will lead to joy, too

send me a sign to remember that I still matter

that I'm still seen

that I can still be a friend, and a wife, and a sister or a daughter

remind me that I still bring good to this world and rock me to sleep showing me that rainstorms bring life and that pain instills growth and that I can still grow.. 

i can still grow

~JQP

a love letter; to me

hey,

I see that you've fallen, a lot really-- specifically this week. I know that hurts and I realize you feel like you're failing. and I want you to know that that's okay. Not only okay, but that's good! And I realize you're rolling your eyes at me right now and saying that "it's easy for you to say" thinking that I'm coming out on the other side perfectly alright, but I want to explain that that isn't the case. It's not over yet. And I'm not completely sure if it ever will be. But dang girl, I was sitting in the mundane endless line of work today and I was laughing and smiling with people I didn't even know, and sure! The sadness, like a magnet, came back and latched onto my mind, but that doesn't mean I wasn't happy for an hour or two. Now I also recognize that it's still hard;. Because it isn't lasting. Because after such a good day I still couldn't find the motivation to do so many things that I wanted to do. But I promise you are doing so well. You are still seeing other people and loving them. You still look for ways to give and love and believe. And even though a lot of the time I don't seem like I do, but I believe in you. I trust you to give your all and to love life no matter what hits you-- mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically.. ALL OF IT. You're a fighter and you're the hero in your story. Never stop fighting for what you believe in-- and that includes you.

Yours truly,
you.

5

Once upon a time
I bet you couldn't watch a scary movie all the way through. You proved me wrong and I gained a best friend. 

5 months later you held me tight after I accidentally broke up with my boyfriend. You brought me Rice Chex, Chip cookies, and watched Lilo & Stitch as my mind tried to accept anything aside from reality. 

4 hours reconnecting and realizing you missed me, too. Fingering "hey fam" in the sequin pillow and meeting my roommates and making a promise that we wouldn't say goodbye for now; promising we would give us a try.

3 dates in one week and talking all night. You took the time to ask how I was, I took that time to ask you to be mine. You kissed my lips and memories I had tried to wash away all came flooding back; 

          cuddling on the couch after Black Panther with Logan, Christoph, and your mom coming in and out while watching the game--
                                    buffalo peak and wanting to kiss you so bad I was shaking--
      sleeping in your basement last December because I was too tired to drive home--
                                                   talking about trek with your mom and all her worries in being good enough for the kids she'd be working with, then you and I took a tour of your childhood stomping grounds all while holding your hand and resting my head on your steady shoulder--
            sitting around the campfire at lake palisade, my eyes tracing the stars while you and Erich exchanged stories and jokes with my dad-- 
                                  the night we lie on my living room floor retracing our past, ready for the other to run, when all we received back was acceptance and trust..

2 birthday gifts; one to capture the moments and another to remind you that you sprayed me down with cologne once but that I like it better on you ;)

1 heart that has no way to express its gratitude nor devotion toward the selfless soul that never ceases to keep it safe.


There are so many places I want to take you and people I cannot wait for you to meet, but for what it's worth, the moments I've spent with you don't have me counting down to anything aside from right here and right now with you.

-AA

Euphoria

green-dyed skin around my right ring finger
a "hey fam" fingered on a sequined pillow
the fast-food kid's meal toy in my glove box
your lips inching toward my smile

deep honey eyes stuck on mine
fingers interlocked held at the small of my back
hearts race as if there's a finish line to cross
silence and the moments with my cheek against your chest

this doesn't rhyme
         or flow for that matter
                          but the awkward has changed from shaky to more
                                                                                              and more sure

it's not every day that you get to date your best friend
it's not every day that realities highlight reel beats your dreams
i'm walking blind with the whisper of a promise that you're falling with me
and i think my heart's beginning to believe it

~JQP

It makes sense

If you pick a flower and you keep it in a vase
It will always die faster than if you left it
But if you take a branch and you graft it into another tree,
It will grow and bloom a million times over
You told me I was beautiful
And you displayed me on the windowsill for everyone to see
I didn't realize that you were still out in the garden trying to grow another tree
I didn't think to ask if I was the only flower you kept
I guess I should have faced the sun rather than your eyes
Because in the end, you threw me away as soon as she bloomed right outside.

3 minutes and 29 seconds

Today the air is stale
Recycled phrases echo in conversation
They ask me how I am
I shrug
"I'm good" I say
Because yesterday I was good
Yesterday the air felt fresh
Yesterday I didn't feel my ribcage trying to hug my heart back into place
Even if yesterday didn't have you

Some days are a lot easier than others, I'll admit that
Some nights you never cross my mind
But, holy cow, when you do
You walk on wet concrete, leaving the deepest imprinted path in every cortex
Your paths trace through songs and family members
And all through my phone
I wonder if I should delete the pictures
Or just run back to you all together
Sometimes I wish I was weaker so I could..
Or maybe stronger?

If you love something, let it go
And if it's meant to be, it will come back

These words are too much
The concrete isn't as thick as I make it out to be
I'm doing okay
And I hope you are too
I guess I just wanted to say that I still think of you
And I miss you

Oh and I wanted to add
Hiding your emotions solves nothing
And wearing them on your sleeve in dangerous, so
Now it's the time to find people you can trust
And show them your heart, because that's what matters

Forever yours,
Jane

Hold my tongue

You're it
The sun on my skin in the middle of winter
The shade when the summer sun meets the middle of the sky
The arms that hold my trembling frame when i have no desire to stay

I hope she makes you smile
I hope there's no feelings of holding back while you're with her
I especially hope you don't think of me, or anyone really
Just of her

Of the way her hair curls and her love for Beyonce
Of the endless hours spent studying and the stress taken away in every laugh
I hope you see the way she smiles when you walk in the room
The way your heart melts when she shies away from you bringing her closer

I hope when you look in the mirror, you smile, because you see the way she looks at you in your reflection

But mostly I just hope that when 15 days come and pass
That you savor the moment
That you don't just run to the one who seems to always want you back, yet never takes her chance
That you remember the simplicity and the untainted joy
And that you don't run back to me, or to her, but you just keep looking forward

The past is in the past, and yes, you can look back
But please don't send hope to sunken ships
We'll sail another sea

We'll walk together, support each other
And in the end, we'll find another

Can I tell you

Can I tell you about the good parts of me?
Can I tell you that I love children and I want to be a mom and raise my kids loving the sky?
Can I tell you that all I want is to love you? And to help you see yourself in the brightest lights?
Can I tell you that your smile means the world to me, and when you smiled as I walked up to you, that my heart sped up to meet your grin?
Can I tell you that even with everything scaring me to death, you still make me happy?
Can I tell you that every kiss makes my heart soar and every love song brings me back to you?
Can I tell you that I love your passion?
That your drive..well that changed everything. Can I say that I think we would work?
That you make me want to think more and consider the paths instead of stick to what I figured was safe and good?
Can I say that I think you're soul is wise and sweet and kind in every way I need?
Can I tell you that nothing about you really settled as bothering me? Even how hard you are on yourself. Why? Because I realized it was driven by love, and He leads that.
Can I tell you that I want to sing you a song? But it's in the making so I think I'll wait
Can I tell you that your dad really loves you? And your mom?
I can see it in the way they look at and out for you.
Can I tell you that I'm pretty sure I could fall for you, and that the feeling inside me says stay. Stay and try. And I don't want to fight it?
Can I say that there are moments when I'm not scared, and when they come, I'm higher than cloud nine to know someone as good as you?
Can I tell you that you make me want to jump, take the leap that terrifies my heart? You make me want to know what over 27 days might look like.. because I trust that you could stay longer
Can I tell you this is for you? That I like you a lot? And you make me feel like I'm young and head over heels for a boy I barely know?
Because it's true.
All of it.
I think you'll help me grow and you'll send me on tracks my mind has never traveled, but it will be an adventure that takes me across the world.
And the best part?
I'll be with you.
I'm hoping for forever, focused on today.
I hope it's you

I hope it's you.

^^

pensando en ti

Boy I'm thinking about you.
Like homemade jam on grandma's toast; I'm thinking about you.
Like night-lights think about glowing,
Like boys think about growing,
Like prophets think about knowing;
I'm thinking about you.

I'm wandering where you are
If you wish that swing sets outnumbered sad tunes
If you watch the sunsets as much as I do
If the storm that's luring is the one that hides you
Boy. I'm thinking about you.

Im thinking about your name
Like the groundhog thinks about his shadow
Like a soldier thinks about the outcome of the battle
Like a kayak thinks of the places it'd go without a paddle
I'm thinking about you

I'm thinking about how you're hand might fit in mine
To what song your heart keeps time
And the day it would be right to call you mine
Boy, I'm thinking about you.

And boy I hope you're thinking about me
That my existence, although a mystery
Is the one that keeps you out there, looking
Finding the girl who fits so perfectly

And I'll be patient
I won't give up--for you.
I'll keep searching, knowing that you're searching too
Because in the end boy, love takes two
So here and now, I'm thinking about you.

-aa

Dark and Light

I'm tired of nights that end alone while surrounded by people
I'm tired of feeling forgotten when I know I'm on my mother's mind
I'm tired of being convinced of the lie that revolves in my mind that says I'm not worth his love
That I'm not worth anyone's love
I'm tired of thinking it's finally over but falling back down again and again

I haven't given up
I don't have a solution..

But I think the sunshine in the morning and the promise of even one good day is the hope that holds me till dawn

So whether this message is for me, or someone else, hold on to the sun when the night comes

The dark can never completely shut out it's light.

A tourist in Paris

I was thinking
And I haven't visited as often as I used to
And I realized why

This used to be my way of pretending there was someone listening

And when I don't feel heard
Or I can't seem to express myself

I come here

I sit beneath a shadow of thoughts
Lie in the grass of disexpression
Lean on the tree of imaginary friends
And I share my heart
Expressing it to the wind where human hands cannot grasp it
And thieving words cannot phase it
Broken souls cannot shake it

And beating hearts cannot hold it

I know this is an escape, but maybe I've been using it for the wrong reasons. And maybe its time that I allow my heart into the real world again
With cold, red ears to listen
And trembling hands to hold
Scraped knees to kneel beside me
And a broken heart to heal my own

I realize I want to run
And keep to myself
But my heart won't live long here in Paris
And I need to come home

~JQP

first car crash

One look down to figure out where I am
I look back up and it's too late
The light all too suddenly red and traffic already headed the other way
But before my foot
                               finds
          the
                       break..

      I M P A C T
the front of my car takes the blow although appears to be fine
The car still runs, but I know there's so much more that must be wrong..

I wonder about the other car

I believe there was a family inside

I think I saw a mother, and I can almost hear her silent prayer that her little boy is okay

My body wracks with adrenaline
I'm not hurt, I don't think, but soon the soreness tickles every inch of me to remind me of the collision

My car is examined and declared totaled upon arrival
                 the front smashed in,
                            the radiator busted..

"There's no use in repairing it when the repairs are more than what the car is worth" my dad says as he wipes grease from his hands and stands with his hands on his hips in a way only dad's can really do

I feel so stupid for even trying to drive the car;
I only had received my licence two weeks prior and now I've completely totalled a vehicle

I don't trust myself to drive
And I don't want to go to work
And I really don't want to know how bad the other car must be

But I do..

The other car drove away with minor scratches and an eye out for inattentive drivers
I still go to work, even tho I'm late
And I'll be driving myself home tonight, whether I like it or not..

Because in the end, it may have left me shaken, but life won't let me give up that easy

And I know you think this story is about my first totalled car
And I thought it was, too

But it turns out it was about a simple boy who captured my heart in his eyes
But who was driving the other direction all along
And when I looked down for just a second to figure out where I was, we crashed

And when we stepped away

He was okay

And I was left to find another ride home

But I remember my conclusion; life didn't let me give up that easy
Even though I broke down on the side of the road with no hero willing to drive me home, I didn't throw in the towel
Even when every muscle ached, I went and worked
Even when the other driver walked away with a mere scratch on their car and I walked away with a ticket, I smiled and said I was grateful that it wasn't worse

And I am
And I won't
So I'm good

Because I realize that I don't have to be okay to not give up
I just have to keep moving forward with all I have left

So thank God for 17 year old car crashes and 22 year old break ups and remembering that although the car wasn't worth saving, it was worth remembering

And one day I'll look back and not mind if it still hurts
Because I've come to know it's supposed to hurt

That's how I know it meant something

~AA

a little girls dream

My heart is dreaming again, and not of you
Not of anyone in specific

It's as if I believe in princes again and I don't mind that you found your princess
Because Ive found you were my friend, but not my prince
And whether he's on a white horse or in a beat down, makeshift car, or even taking the local train,
I believe he'll come, and he'll love God, and he'll love me
And that will be more than enough.

~AA

A first love

If he was the first to hold you
Is that supposed to mean something?
The first one who told you he loved you
The first one to kiss your lips and feel the need to be closer than space would allow

When he says goodbye
How long is it supposed to hurt?
When he finds another love
When he slow dances with her while you stand in the corner
When he falls to one knee and offers her the ring that once filled your dreams

It's a moment that I never wished to live
It's a nightmare that fills her every daydream
It's reality that as of December 5th exists

Break. I dare you to break one more time heart, in the name of Gilbert Michael Burns. JUST BREAK.

Send lightening down the middle and create a generic crack straight through
Shatter into a million pieces and erode away as dust
Let the wind scatter the ashes of what used to be
And don't come back

Please don't come back.

I spread my secrets thin, never all at once
Never all in the same place
I don't want to hand my heart to anyone

Not anyone at all

My mind repeatedly runs into wall after wall after wall
Welcoming the pain of never ending misunderstandings
I try to trust and open up
I don't know how

Not after you left after begging me to stay
Not after you walked her to our bench and stopped asking me "how was your day?"
Not after you told me it was right for us to have drifted apart
Not after the day she told me he held a ring and she held his heart

He was my first love
And probably my last love
As long as my heart breaks and scatters and keeps it's promises to keep to itself.

-aa

Two syllables, no sound

Yours will be the goodbye I prepared for
The last kiss that I anticipated
The hug that fell short and the reason for my secrets and walls being infiltrated

I still fight back feelings of letting go
And twist out of farewell's grip
I'm losing my best friend
And dodging lost in any corner that I find him
Because with you, I was found.

Now I'm just empty space

But you and I both know you can't stay.
You're taking off the bandages that have bound me together so slowly..
As if to slip away unnoticed
But it won't work, because
You were the only one who noticed me

JQP

Why the stars

There's something in the light of the stars
It witnessed my first wishes for friends
For hope for my brother
For someone to fall in love with me
It sees so many kisses
So many heartbreaks
Hears all the truths and all the lies
It sees me wish and wish and start to pray
And beg and beg and cry saying "I can't do it;
I cannot hold out much longer.."
But the light of the stars still shines on me
As if to remind me "look around at where you are, dear"
It takes me back to 5th grade crushes and junior year heartbreaks
It takes me to my first kiss and how fresh water tasted on my lips
It takes me to the first goodbye to Gilbert, and the first time I believed my heart could come out to say hi again
It takes me to hot springs under the stars in Heber with a boy named Carson
And the hours of conversation with Matt, a boy I barely met
It brings me back to opening my heart to Brad, and every goodbye I had with each of them
But it doesn't let me stop there
Because there's something about the light in the stars, it tells me that they've been shining and falling to show me there is beauty growing inside me from the preasure and the pain and as I grow,
Eventually I will fall and it will be long and hard,
And they'll fall with me just to show me that he's falling for me too.
And that promise lulls me off to sleep once more

Because there's something about the light in the stars, I trust it
And I don't really understand why
But it helps.

This poem honestly kinda sucks, but it's exactly how I feel. And I needed to know that for myself.
So thanks for sticking it out with me

~AA