Not forgotten

I know I'm not forgotten
But that doesn't change the way I feel
My shoulders tremble as tears stream down my cheeks
I know I'm not forgotten
But that won't change the the ache inside my chest when it lurches forward--remembering that I have to move on, even as my heart cries it won't trust anyone again
I know I'm not forgotten
But that doesn't change the fact that I will always cry alone
By choice, not by lack of reaching hands..
I know you want to help, but I can't find the courage to be that vulnerable--
It's hard to let people in
I know I'm not forgotten
But that doesn't resolve the last of the goodbyes
Or the laters that come too late
And I'm sorry..
I can let go of grudges, but people aren't as easy to lose
I know I'm not forgotten
But that doesn't change the fact that I struggle every day
To feel I'm still important to someone
To convince myself that someone could love me unconditionally
To remember that there are people who already do

It's not easy to believe it,
Even though
I know I'm not forgotten..

But for those that stick around
For the ones who know my poisoned mind can't see them there
For the people who haven't given up on me still

Thank you for proving it true

I know I'm not forgotten, and sometimes I believe it

Mostly because of you.

~JQP

Dear God,

I know I talk to you all the time, but I really need your help. I'm fighting back tears weeding out thoughts that say I'm just a wimp.. that this is all in my head, that my needs are nonsense and that I'm really okay. But God, it's killing me. I thought it was just the break up or the new girl that filled my shoes, well barefeet. I thought it was the fear in acceptance or the stress of school and the fact I never sleep. I thought it was the fear in taking chances and the PTSD from saying three words that never seem to repeat..

But God..

It's none of that....

It's this battle, deep inside me that tears me heart from mind
It's the feeling of nothing
and then everything at the same time
God, it's looking around at all my friends and all my family, and wanting to scream and cry but always being fine
God, I'm drowning..
And there's no logical reason why

The monsters always come back
The numbness will take its toll
I won't feel you there, but the promise of your return will come with the melting snow

God, please don't leave. Don't let my demons shut you out. I didn't turn from you, I didn't run away, but this glass box keeps you out.

I wish the fall didn't echo in silence
I wish the winter storms wouldn't numb my soul
I wish I could enjoy the holidays with out making sure my mind was safe to let words fall

But most of all God, I wish I was strong enough to fight depression
And not feel hopeless upon it's return
I wish I wouldn't get so scared
And I wish there was a perfect cure

But for now, I'll just remember
That no matter how far I sink
That there's someone drowning with me
That will soon lift me
And push me to breathe the air of freedom
He lowers as my anchor and rises up

My missing link.

-JQP