Tuesday, December 23, 2014

spring won't be ready

Summer was losing a best friend and never using aloe to cool the burns.
It was swimming pools filled with lies and hopeless believing.
Summer was dancing in the rain alone because you promised to come over
Summer was naive
But summer knew better

Fall was running into walls and headache filled nights.
It was jumping off the bridge holding hands and you letting go.
It was stupid choices and simple ignorance
Fall was stubborn hearts and pale blue eyes
It was falling for it, every time.

Winter is car rides with the windows down and smoke trails behind us.
Is late night calls and super heroes who lost their capes last month.
Winter is broken promises and revealed lies and cracking ice beneath our feet.
It's reopening scars and taking ice packs for granted.
Winter is the ice plunge when everyone else is sitting by the fire.

Spring will be no expectations.
It won't trust the light because it hurts spring's eyes and the ground hog was always happier when he woke up to a cloudy day.
Spring will be the mosaic of broken light that sings through the trees leaves into the empty shade because that's where winter left off.
It will be overused umbrellas who can no longer stop the weather from hitting the grass below.

Because spring can't forget winter and doesn't want summer to wipe away the truth.
Spring won't be ready
But spring will fall through.

Just like it does every year

Because spring will give in to starting over
And summer will make spring feel safe
Even though spring never trusted summer's light

Because mother nature won't let the seasons linger
But she'll always remind us
Because darling, the seasons are changing
And they'll never stop giving in


~AA

Friday, December 19, 2014

a step into the real world

Someone stop me
The whistle blew 24 hrs ago and I'm still awe struck
I'm about to take a step
A step into the real world
Where there are real words
Real people
Real talk
.... real talk

This is my chance
I don't want to lie in this fake paradise anymore
And I'm excited and happy
And straight out terrified
But this is me.

Hi, my name is AndraLee Allen.
For those of you who don't know me, the first thing that people notice about me is that I'm tall. Too tall for my liking, but it comes in handy. I love acting, singing, dancing, sports, people watching, reading, helping others, friends, long drives alone--but mostly I enjoy writing. It's my escape. my haven. I love how simple sentences can transform into streams that live inside ones heart. 

If you really knew me you'd know that I still sleep with a teddy bear, not because I need it, but because it's something I can hold on to.

If you really knew me you'd know that I lack in self confidence, but I am always selfless; even when it costs me.

If you really know me you'd know I can't hate people. Believe me, I've tried.

If you really knew me you'd know I can't just put three dots, there needs to be either two, four, or more. Mama Mia ruined the dot dot dot effect.

If you really knew me you'd know that I don't like hiding behind Jane Q. Porter, but she stands taller than I ever have, she kept me safe.

But darling, this is the year of no mistakes, and I'm not perfect. So take me or leave me, because this is me. And that's not gonna change.

And I want to thank you.
You who read my blog
You who left a comment
You who didn't leave a comment
You who wrote your hearts out
You tourists
You residents
You.

I hope you know I read your blog, and I loved every minute of it.

The streets of Paris are home to me, and I don't plan on leaving them behind. So I hope you stay awhile longer dear, and if not; thank you for your inspiration.

And one last thank you

Thank you Nelson
For actually wanting us to be ourselves
For giving us Paris
For everything.

Sincerely,
The girl who just joined the real world







~JQP

~AA




Wednesday, December 17, 2014

maybe I'm stupid


My mouth hurts
From telling you I love you so many times
From shouting your name throughout the chambers in my heart
From sleepless night after sleepless night
Convincing myself I would be okay without you
But you're still here
You've tucked me in bed wrapped, snug in surrender
And I've given my all.
And you've given up.
And my body aches 
Engulfed in your quilt of lies.
And darling, I hate every moment
But I still love you

I've spent every waking hour
Thinking through speeches
Thinking I'll leave
But your tears soil the blueprints through the phone
And all I'm left with is a broken pencil
And your soggy old quilt
And I don't know why
But I don't seem to mind



Maybe I'm stupid
Maybe I've lost my mind
But dear, i didn't lose my heart
I know because I remember trusting it in your hands
Last December
When the only sounds were falling snow and waterfalls
When you sat too far away
Yet were too close for comfort
And darling, I know you still have it
Tucked away at the bottom of your contact list
For safe keeping
Just in case a bad day comes around

But dear, my mouth hurts
And I lost my voice in the dark last night
And maybe staying is stupid
And maybe you'll never call again
But I'm still here
Tucked away below you
Because you always seem to remember me
When down is how you feel
And you've given up

Don't ask me why I remain
Because I don't recall
And really all I know
Is I still love you.
Still
Even while looking through your white mask of lies and manipulation 



~JQP

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

I remember why I forgot

I remember feeling on top of the world, because our soccer team was undefeated and you were my best friend.
I remember being the odd one because i was the only Mormon in kindergarten.
I remember Scott and me getting baptized on the same day and how Jillian didn't show up.... I'm not quite sure what ever happened to her..
I remember my best friend leaving me for the cool kids..
I remember my new best friend that still grows in my old backyard beside the pale blue shed that grandpa built when he still remembered my name.
I can't remember when you told me we had to move, but I remember the lies you told me about why..


I remember the purple journal with the cartoons on the front, it was the first time i actually wrote down the poetry in my head. I was 8.
I remember we moved in April, and mom giving us both Easter bunnies. mine was pink. I named it bunny.
I remember hiding behind my mommy's leg when we met.
I remember the endless summer days of playing with bobble heads in the dirt.
I remember the heat and my first concussion and you telling me to man up.


I remember 5th grade and having the biggest crush on Mika Kujanpaa.
I remember playing night games and sitting on the tramp.
I remember his face going bright red and the sound of his voice being higher than mine.
I remember being so embarrassed that I stopped talking in class.
I remember the best climbing tree on the bank of the river
I remember slowly forgetting you in it's branches when you moved away to Arizona.
I remember hiding from the bullies in the bushes.
I remember that they left us alone because we gave them army men.


I remember 7th grade and Sophie Turner introducing me to the word 'creeper' in English.
I remember getting away with never turning in my final project and getting an A in Mr. Brooks class and feeling bad for it all summer.
I remember the first time I wore mascara and you asking about it and me lying and saying I wasn't wearing any makeup. 


I remember my 8th grade crush on the unsuspecting 9th grader.
I remember him being my first date sophomore year and dancing till our feet went numb.
I remember the suit he wore and how his lips felt on my cheek. On my forehead. On my hair.
I remember how proud he was of the songs he'd play on piano and how we talked in British accents all night.
I remember being his friend.. I should really write him..
I remember 42 and how beautiful she was. How she made me hate the nicest boy in the school.
I remember how she went to Lehi and me and that boy became best friends.
I remember wishing on the same star every night for the boy from Orem to just remember my name..
I remember crying until i couldn't breathe and calling up my best friend because I wasn't sure what else I could do..

I remember 2013 for being the year I still wish never happened.
I remember the beginnings of me and how I wasn't sure who I was and then how I knew exactly who I was and now when I just wish I knew who I wanted to be.













I remember why I forgot.

~JQP

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

hi, I'm Jane, this is how I feel


How I felt joining the blogs

How I feel reading your blog

How I felt when I found out my sister leaked my blog

How I feel when you comment on my blog

How I feel when you try and see my computer to know my blog

How I feel when I see how I've grown

Thanks for reading, kids.

~JQP

Thursday, November 27, 2014

this one's for the listeners


right now is for the lonely
for the teddy bear huggers
and the scared
for the shower singers
and the rain dancers
for all those who were left alone
and found you

today is for the lovers
for the heart broken
and the naive
for the out-all-night boy
and the love-stricken girl
for the ones who cant express themselves
yet wish to, for you



this life is for the broken
for the closet criers
and the sad
for the outraged haters
and the depressed
for those who just need a shoulder to cry on
that turn to you


my love is for the brave
For the advise givers
And understanders
For the ones who hold us
And the ones that hear us

Because you stayed

Because maybe no one really does the same for you

Because you never judged

Because you held on when I wanted to let go

Because you listen

And this is for you


Because this is for the listeners


For the ones who know how to care

And those who remember my name
For the unconditional lovers
And the ones who make time
For those who gave a shoulder to cry on
Without expecting anything in return

Because I can't seem to thank you
And I can't seem to be you
But I'm trying.
And so this is for you.


thanks for listening
especially to me

~JQP

Friday, November 21, 2014

thanks for that

i've wanted to isolate myself since 2nd period today
but to be honest i basically cried in 1st
i keep looking back to when we were happy
to when the heat was our only complaint
and the cold was a reminder of warmth
the times when we stayed up all night with the lightning
when we told each other everything and anything
 ....or at least i thought we did
those were the days when we made a pact
that we would be neighbors and always be there for each other
that we would have nice yards and big houses
that we'd always be friends..
..so much for promises
i've told you my fears and you know so much
or at least you would if you had just listened.
i know you inside and out
when you're happy, sad, angry..
when you're lying
.....sometimes i wish i didn't
it was so easy before when i was blind
when i knew that there were things you hadn't told me
but now that you swear i know it all
i've realized half the puzzle pieces are missing

i remember the days when all we did was ask each other questions
when drama was trivial and tears, minimal
i remember the days that we'd take turns echoing "i love you, sweet dreams"
now the space between us allows me to say it
but the empty air never provides the echo to my vulnerability
it hurt when the text to your abusive ex was an "i love you"
and he text to your best friend was  a "bye."
you've dropped your end of the rope on every promise we made
and have left me dragging them all alone

promises are pointless when they become one sided..

you tell me that life is too hard and i know it is
but you won't even attempt to fix it
..you won't let anyone try to fix it
I've found I lose something every time we talk:thank
interest
motivation
self worth
advise
understanding
Me.

        I hate this. I want to cry but I'm out of tears
      I want to leave but I'm full of fears
    I want to hate but I love you..
  I want to be me but you took that too
you don't care
you don't help
you make me cry
you only help yourself

Thanks for spending 2 years lying

Just to kill me in one day.
I know this is fast and I love you, but I'm sorry.. I'm too far gone to come back....

goodbye old friend

Sincerely~ me

~JQP

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

broken is only temporary

listen to my rhythm
don't forget there's only one key to me
broken is only temporary


~JQP



Monday, November 10, 2014

hopeless romantic



i read too many books
books with angsty teenagers
and single parents
books with unreasonable relationships

but what i cant seem to get in my head, is..
ITS NOT REAL!!
i've honestly tried pounding it in there
got myself a couple broken hearts
hit my head into a wall (not on purpose mind you)
screamed and cried into my pillow for nights on end


yet i still believe in romances like Jamie and Landon
like Augustus and Hazel Grace
like Katniss and Peeta
like Katie and Alex

and somehow it won't get through my thick skull that it cant
WONT
happen to me

#hopelessromanticlife


lets just embrace this for a second
you know those days
when you see the person you like
and your heart stops..
then barges full speed ahead

that is a book moment

you know when your reading a book
and you've replaced the main character with you
and the love interest with your crush
and then they kiss
and you just die


that is a good moment

you know that moment
when you know he's there
but you won't look at him
because you know he's staring

that is a book moment

you know that moment
when one of your hopeless romantic dreams happens in real life
and they ask you out
and you just sit there
content in life

that is life


sometimes,
just sometimes,
being a hopeless romantic pays off

Sunday, November 9, 2014

i want to take you someplace

you tried to walk back to me but you weren't strong enough.
you collapsed and let the water flow from your eyes
it still hasn't stopped flowing
even now that i brought you home
even now when we've made you smile
even now that we've all embraced you
found unwanted help for you..
but all you ever wanted was him


..i want to take you someplace
please
take my hand
and trust me;
we're going on an adventure

let me take you to the park
with the fenced off reservoir and the lines of too tall trees
the one we didn't always avoid
let me remind you that it made us stronger in the worst way
let me remind you of the smiles that live on the soft breeze


next, let me take you to the swings
the place where too many memories invade your mind
let me remind you what you gained from the good times
let it set in that they indeed ended
but they will not discontinue
remember that you can see the sunrise sooner when enjoying the height of your swing
but also remember the the sun still rises when you remain at the bottom


then let's drive through the twists and turns of our summer home with the windows down
with the breezes, bugs and leaves flying past the window
let's slide down the frozen rocks and swim in the lake as if it were summer again
let's camp on the river side before the bend and dance around the fire till we can no longer stand
and when we lie down to watch the sparkling night
look around
see the dimly lit faces around us
see your sister who's out serving
see your brother who's still learning
your parents whose eyes are only filled with love and fear that they will lose you
and please turn your head my way darling
please don't forget me
I don't ever want to lose YOU
..ever..


maybe i'm not yours, but your my best friend
you've kept me smiling from being friendless in preschool
to feeling alone in elementary school
even till today
when all i need is some love

i love you dear
i love you more than anything
and i know your hurting
and i know its all surreal
but please
darling, please promise me


let me take you someplace
anyplace you want
and hold my hand
hold it tight
please don't let go
I can't lose you too..

~JQP