5

Once upon a time
I bet you couldn't watch a scary movie all the way through. You proved me wrong and I gained a best friend. 

5 months later you held me tight after I accidentally broke up with my boyfriend. You brought me Rice Chex, Chip cookies, and watched Lilo & Stitch as my mind tried to accept anything aside from reality. 

4 hours reconnecting and realizing you missed me, too. Fingering "hey fam" in the sequin pillow and meeting my roommates and making a promise that we wouldn't say goodbye for now; promising we would give us a try.

3 dates in one week and talking all night. You took the time to ask how I was, I took that time to ask you to be mine. You kissed my lips and memories I had tried to wash away all came flooding back; 

          cuddling on the couch after Black Panther with Logan, Christoph, and your mom coming in and out while watching the game--
                                    buffalo peak and wanting to kiss you so bad I was shaking--
      sleeping in your basement last December because I was too tired to drive home--
                                                   talking about trek with your mom and all her worries in being good enough for the kids she'd be working with, then you and I took a tour of your childhood stomping grounds all while holding your hand and resting my head on your steady shoulder--
            sitting around the campfire at lake palisade, my eyes tracing the stars while you and Erich exchanged stories and jokes with my dad-- 
                                  the night we lie on my living room floor retracing our past, ready for the other to run, when all we received back was acceptance and trust..

2 birthday gifts; one to capture the moments and another to remind you that you sprayed me down with cologne once but that I like it better on you ;)

1 heart that has no way to express its gratitude nor devotion toward the selfless soul that never ceases to keep it safe.


There are so many places I want to take you and people I cannot wait for you to meet, but for what it's worth, the moments I've spent with you don't have me counting down to anything aside from right here and right now with you.

-AA

Euphoria

green-dyed skin around my right ring finger
a "hey fam" fingered on a sequined pillow
the fast-food kid's meal toy in my glove box
your lips inching toward my smile

deep honey eyes stuck on mine
fingers interlocked held at the small of my back
hearts race as if there's a finish line to cross
silence and the moments with my cheek against your chest

this doesn't rhyme
         or flow for that matter
                          but the awkward has changed from shaky to more
                                                                                              and more sure

it's not every day that you get to date your best friend
it's not every day that realities highlight reel beats your dreams
i'm walking blind with the whisper of a promise that you're falling with me
and i think my heart's beginning to believe it

~JQP

It makes sense

If you pick a flower and you keep it in a vase
It will always die faster than if you left it
But if you take a branch and you graft it into another tree,
It will grow and bloom a million times over
You told me I was beautiful
And you displayed me on the windowsill for everyone to see
I didn't realize that you were still out in the garden trying to grow another tree
I didn't think to ask if I was the only flower you kept
I guess I should have faced the sun rather than your eyes
Because in the end, you threw me away as soon as she bloomed right outside.

3 minutes and 29 seconds

Today the air is stale
Recycled phrases echo in conversation
They ask me how I am
I shrug
"I'm good" I say
Because yesterday I was good
Yesterday the air felt fresh
Yesterday I didn't feel my ribcage trying to hug my heart back into place
Even if yesterday didn't have you

Some days are a lot easier than others, I'll admit that
Some nights you never cross my mind
But, holy cow, when you do
You walk on wet concrete, leaving the deepest imprinted path in every cortex
Your paths trace through songs and family members
And all through my phone
I wonder if I should delete the pictures
Or just run back to you all together
Sometimes I wish I was weaker so I could..
Or maybe stronger?

If you love something, let it go
And if it's meant to be, it will come back

These words are too much
The concrete isn't as thick as I make it out to be
I'm doing okay
And I hope you are too
I guess I just wanted to say that I still think of you
And I miss you

Oh and I wanted to add
Hiding your emotions solves nothing
And wearing them on your sleeve in dangerous, so
Now it's the time to find people you can trust
And show them your heart, because that's what matters

Forever yours,
Jane

Hold my tongue

You're it
The sun on my skin in the middle of winter
The shade when the summer sun meets the middle of the sky
The arms that hold my trembling frame when i have no desire to stay

I hope she makes you smile
I hope there's no feelings of holding back while you're with her
I especially hope you don't think of me, or anyone really
Just of her

Of the way her hair curls and her love for Beyonce
Of the endless hours spent studying and the stress taken away in every laugh
I hope you see the way she smiles when you walk in the room
The way your heart melts when she shies away from you bringing her closer

I hope when you look in the mirror, you smile, because you see the way she looks at you in your reflection

But mostly I just hope that when 15 days come and pass
That you savor the moment
That you don't just run to the one who seems to always want you back, yet never takes her chance
That you remember the simplicity and the untainted joy
And that you don't run back to me, or to her, but you just keep looking forward

The past is in the past, and yes, you can look back
But please don't send hope to sunken ships
We'll sail another sea

We'll walk together, support each other
And in the end, we'll find another

Can I tell you

Can I tell you about the good parts of me?
Can I tell you that I love children and I want to be a mom and raise my kids loving the sky?
Can I tell you that all I want is to love you? And to help you see yourself in the brightest lights?
Can I tell you that your smile means the world to me, and when you smiled as I walked up to you, that my heart sped up to meet your grin?
Can I tell you that even with everything scaring me to death, you still make me happy?
Can I tell you that every kiss makes my heart soar and every love song brings me back to you?
Can I tell you that I love your passion?
That your drive..well that changed everything. Can I say that I think we would work?
That you make me want to think more and consider the paths instead of stick to what I figured was safe and good?
Can I say that I think you're soul is wise and sweet and kind in every way I need?
Can I tell you that nothing about you really settled as bothering me? Even how hard you are on yourself. Why? Because I realized it was driven by love, and He leads that.
Can I tell you that I want to sing you a song? But it's in the making so I think I'll wait
Can I tell you that your dad really loves you? And your mom?
I can see it in the way they look at and out for you.
Can I tell you that I'm pretty sure I could fall for you, and that the feeling inside me says stay. Stay and try. And I don't want to fight it?
Can I say that there are moments when I'm not scared, and when they come, I'm higher than cloud nine to know someone as good as you?
Can I tell you that you make me want to jump, take the leap that terrifies my heart? You make me want to know what over 27 days might look like.. because I trust that you could stay longer
Can I tell you this is for you? That I like you a lot? And you make me feel like I'm young and head over heels for a boy I barely know?
Because it's true.
All of it.
I think you'll help me grow and you'll send me on tracks my mind has never traveled, but it will be an adventure that takes me across the world.
And the best part?
I'll be with you.
I'm hoping for forever, focused on today.
I hope it's you

I hope it's you.

^^

pensando en ti

Boy I'm thinking about you.
Like homemade jam on grandma's toast; I'm thinking about you.
Like night-lights think about glowing,
Like boys think about growing,
Like prophets think about knowing;
I'm thinking about you.

I'm wandering where you are
If you wish that swing sets outnumbered sad tunes
If you watch the sunsets as much as I do
If the storm that's luring is the one that hides you
Boy. I'm thinking about you.

Im thinking about your name
Like the groundhog thinks about his shadow
Like a soldier thinks about the outcome of the battle
Like a kayak thinks of the places it'd go without a paddle
I'm thinking about you

I'm thinking about how you're hand might fit in mine
To what song your heart keeps time
And the day it would be right to call you mine
Boy, I'm thinking about you.

And boy I hope you're thinking about me
That my existence, although a mystery
Is the one that keeps you out there, looking
Finding the girl who fits so perfectly

And I'll be patient
I won't give up--for you.
I'll keep searching, knowing that you're searching too
Because in the end boy, love takes two
So here and now, I'm thinking about you.

-aa

Dark and Light

I'm tired of nights that end alone while surrounded by people
I'm tired of feeling forgotten when I know I'm on my mother's mind
I'm tired of being convinced of the lie that revolves in my mind that says I'm not worth his love
That I'm not worth anyone's love
I'm tired of thinking it's finally over but falling back down again and again

I haven't given up
I don't have a solution..

But I think the sunshine in the morning and the promise of even one good day is the hope that holds me till dawn

So whether this message is for me, or someone else, hold on to the sun when the night comes

The dark can never completely shut out it's light.

A tourist in Paris

I was thinking
And I haven't visited as often as I used to
And I realized why

This used to be my way of pretending there was someone listening

And when I don't feel heard
Or I can't seem to express myself

I come here

I sit beneath a shadow of thoughts
Lie in the grass of disexpression
Lean on the tree of imaginary friends
And I share my heart
Expressing it to the wind where human hands cannot grasp it
And thieving words cannot phase it
Broken souls cannot shake it

And beating hearts cannot hold it

I know this is an escape, but maybe I've been using it for the wrong reasons. And maybe its time that I allow my heart into the real world again
With cold, red ears to listen
And trembling hands to hold
Scraped knees to kneel beside me
And a broken heart to heal my own

I realize I want to run
And keep to myself
But my heart won't live long here in Paris
And I need to come home

~JQP

first car crash

One look down to figure out where I am
I look back up and it's too late
The light all too suddenly red and traffic already headed the other way
But before my foot
                               finds
          the
                       break..

      I M P A C T
the front of my car takes the blow although appears to be fine
The car still runs, but I know there's so much more that must be wrong..

I wonder about the other car

I believe there was a family inside

I think I saw a mother, and I can almost hear her silent prayer that her little boy is okay

My body wracks with adrenaline
I'm not hurt, I don't think, but soon the soreness tickles every inch of me to remind me of the collision

My car is examined and declared totaled upon arrival
                 the front smashed in,
                            the radiator busted..

"There's no use in repairing it when the repairs are more than what the car is worth" my dad says as he wipes grease from his hands and stands with his hands on his hips in a way only dad's can really do

I feel so stupid for even trying to drive the car;
I only had received my licence two weeks prior and now I've completely totalled a vehicle

I don't trust myself to drive
And I don't want to go to work
And I really don't want to know how bad the other car must be

But I do..

The other car drove away with minor scratches and an eye out for inattentive drivers
I still go to work, even tho I'm late
And I'll be driving myself home tonight, whether I like it or not..

Because in the end, it may have left me shaken, but life won't let me give up that easy

And I know you think this story is about my first totalled car
And I thought it was, too

But it turns out it was about a simple boy who captured my heart in his eyes
But who was driving the other direction all along
And when I looked down for just a second to figure out where I was, we crashed

And when we stepped away

He was okay

And I was left to find another ride home

But I remember my conclusion; life didn't let me give up that easy
Even though I broke down on the side of the road with no hero willing to drive me home, I didn't throw in the towel
Even when every muscle ached, I went and worked
Even when the other driver walked away with a mere scratch on their car and I walked away with a ticket, I smiled and said I was grateful that it wasn't worse

And I am
And I won't
So I'm good

Because I realize that I don't have to be okay to not give up
I just have to keep moving forward with all I have left

So thank God for 17 year old car crashes and 22 year old break ups and remembering that although the car wasn't worth saving, it was worth remembering

And one day I'll look back and not mind if it still hurts
Because I've come to know it's supposed to hurt

That's how I know it meant something

~AA