Bruises and Paper Cuts

I put on my make up this morning as if to promise myself I wouldn't cry

I should've left the mascara on the counter

Red nails and impulsive memories are cards laid out on the table
And you still have a smile on your face

Playing a game of hide and seek until I realized you'd never find me
I doubt you were even trying
I wish I could believe that you were trying

French tips and dyed hair
Your heart has been tied up and toyed with, erasing beats of passion or care for anything but her

Boy I know you remember my name
But I doubt you remember my mind

My words are dancing circles around your naive promises and I don't want to dance anymore

There's no need to try and keep your word; your sentences have only ever formed with faulty locks and too many keys
I'm done pretending

Your name is surrounded in "what if"s and "maybe"s and my heart it's tired of hopeless day dreams

I haven't seen you
I haven't forgotten you
But I'm losing you

No matter how hard I try to change time's hand
No matter the distance I close between you and I
No matter how many times you promise me you want me too..

I can't hold onto nothing
And I promise
You'll be just fine without me

There are bruises in my chest and paper cuts in my stomach

I should've known that racing hearts and butterflies would lie about reality

~JQP

Overplayed

The tune plays the same 4 notes and it's on repeat
Ink stained words, bouncing off sideways glances and closed doors
And I'm sorry, but this song is getting old

They'll never care
You're always in the background
Your name means nothing
You're alone

She doesn't care
I sing off key
He won't even learn my name
I'm alone

He stopped caring
I have nothing to be proud of
What's there to remember
I'm all alone

I don't want to hear the verses, and the bridge will probably bring me to my knees
But can't you see me?

There's no help for the ignored
And my reaching out has turned to whispers in my own ear

Dear, they'll never hear you
Dear, they forgot they needed to listen
Dear, you're on your own this time

My problems have morphed into songs on repeat and you zoned out after the first chorus

My ears are aching with the broken bass line and my heart has synced with the beat up guitar

And maybe your hearing my anxious cries but this song is overplayed and I know your about to change the station

 ~JQP

my dearest future

dear you,

i was never too good at speaking my mind and the only part of my heart that spills ink on these pages drips with riddles and rhymes, but i know you don't mind. i don't know if we've met or that we'll meet any time soon, but i've realized you're always on my mind, and i just wanted to say a few things

thank you for making me believe in love again..i know i hoped for it, and i've been promised it..i guess i just never thought it could be so amazing..so thank you for that.

maybe we haven't done some of these things, but bare with me as i rant about my teenage dreams of love. tell me if i'm wrong--

love is the first time i held your hand because you weren't sure if i wanted to
and to be frank, neither was i
love is the question game for days on end and comfortable silences in your arms
love is the 3rd date because the third one really held the charm
love is the awkward hug before our first kiss and how it was more than they ever let on
love is the phone call at 2 AM and a sleepy "hello", but a "hello" nonetheless
love is laughing about the family memories and true laughs that turned to sore abs
love is sharing your testimony with me and realizing that you loved god more than you could ever love anyone else
love is the rain in the middle of the summer that covered my tears and your arms that cleared away the sobs
love is the starlit picnics and falling asleep on your chest
love is throwing handfuls of grass at each other because you brought up that stupid moment when
love is dance parties and flour fights and running through the sprinklers
love is our tree house dreams and childhood blankets
love is the day you asked my daddy for my hand
love is the kiss on my lips that covered up my endless yes's 
love is the night i knew it really was you
love is the day we changed forever to eternity
love is the first year changing to the second and the bills we never thought we'd be able to pay
love is our first house and the student loans that still need to be paid
love is the stress and love that somehow turned days to nights
love is us always turning to god because we both know we aren't strong enough without him
love is the day we decided to start a family
love is the night we held gods child in our arms
love is raising the most beautiful humans as children of god
love is the first lost job and the first move and knowing it would all be alright
love is the first day of school and the first crayon drawing
love is the first teenage "i hate you" and the last graduating "thank you"
love is the first one off to college and mission papers
love is the last one married and the 'empty nesters' parties
love is the first grey hairs and the wrinkles on our faces
love is the rocking chair and the deck and the first grandbaby on my lap
love is family reunions with our stories of the glory days
love is our couples mission and the love we felt from god
love is you holding my hand and kneeling by my side as we pray, kiss goodnight, and hold each other no matter the days contents
love is seeing happiness in rest and not worrying about the end because i know i have eternity with you.

love is whenever i'm with you. and i know you feel the same. and darling, i'm forever grateful i found you, because you know my weaknesses and you know how to push my buttons, but you always know how to make me laugh and you'll never betray my love.

thank you for holding my hand and keeping me safe. and dear i know you're laughing at me now, but you have no idea how much i love you. i'll never let you go as long as i live. i promise you my devotion and i know you and i will be okay. 

you are always and forever the smile on my face

forever yours-

Mrs. _______

~JQP

Fresh cut 1AM air

It's late and I can feel the desert forming in my tired eyes

Pure 1am air is blowing straight into my face and I'm breathing it in
The thoughts release as insecurities infect my heart and seep into my mind

I realized today that after you..
I never told anyone the complete truth.
You downplayed my greatest vulnerability and forgot every secret I ever whispered in your ear

And the hardest part is I still remember everything about you..

Your favorite color is blue and above all else you want a ninja motorcycle
You actually love theater, but when your girlfriends ask it's only for your mom
Your all-time favorite feeling is the applause after a perfect performance and your favorite gift on your birthday was the poem I wrote you that proved that I really was listening..

And you used to remember my birthday but when I turned 18 the only thing you remembered is you were glad you weren't going to preference..

I realized that I still think about you
Not like I used to; with rose tinted glasses and daydreams in my heart
But with longing for prying words and determined questions
With memories of hugs and hands that were steady and held me close

I catch myself thinking back on promises and worried tears
Testimonies and ever changing fears
I remember when you were upset with me because I stopped trying to stay close
I remember telling you how I almost left for good and you realized you weren't a good friend for me..

And the thoughts keep streaming and my pulse keeps breaking and I hope I'm mistaking the sudden need for you to be back in my life

It's 1:04 and the wind's died down but you're still on my mind.

I realized that you were the last one who really knew me

The one who knew the difference between '..' and '....'
You were the last one I felt I would never run out of things to talk about with
The boy who knew what made me happy and what made me mad
The one who promised 'always' and 'love' and 'I would never hurt you's

You're also the boy who walked away
Who stopped caring if I'd died or if I cried or if I lied to say I was 'alright'

And I wish you would just get out of my head
But you called me the other day and somehow the words of longing slipped my lips
And maybe I don't remember them, but I know they came
Because you mirrored my longing
And I'm not sure if I wanted it that way..

~JQP

i can't erase the sun

have you ever listened to the silence?

when no words are traded, only sideways glances and quickened breaths

i let the air take my words last week but my tears hid them in the clouds 

it rained last night and i know the falling stars caught your eye

were you listening to the silence?

we haven't had a serious conversation in over a month and i miss the passion in your eyes

there are so many words i've said and i feel like i've told a million lies..

but they were lies i thought were true

things i thought i knew

but when i felt his hand in mine, all i could think of was you..

when i was in his arms watching the starts, all i longed for was your familiar heart beat

and when i lie down tonight, the only scene on replay was one you probably forgot

but yesterday is impossible to visit

and getting my heart to forget you is like erasing the sun in the sky

the memories are sun rays and these shadows are cast by nothing more than nets trying to catch the feelings before they reach me

but darling it was all in vain cause all i feel is the stillness of my heart every time you say my name

i'm looking at this summer and it all feels like a sunset to me

the clouds are setting in and the colors are filling my vission

but the sky is getting dimmer

and the clouds are losing color

and the memories are fading with the sun..

and i'm hoping you'll remember me..

you told me you'd regret getting close to me because i would be gone so fast..

but i hope you didn't really regret it

that you didn't truly regret me

i know you're sorry for the pain, but i'm not

i don't regret falling fast

or letting my chances go right by me

i don't regret you finding out

or the day i knew it was her

or even now, letting you know my heart is still clinging to your shadow

maybe i will tomorrow,

or even next week

but today, i can't get you off my mind

cause boy, i can't erase the sun.

~JQP