tourism at its finest

Saturday I realized I'm still avoiding looking like a tourist

Sunday I remembered that this life isn't where I belong

And Monday I couldn't face the world in honesty

my soul is aching watching my mind tear my heart out of its cage shaking my body

air escapes my lungs before i can to scream "WHY CAN'T YOU ALL JUST GET ALONG?" 

nothing but gasps and sobs can leave my trembling lips 

I like to dream that I'm not alone.. 

that others are trying to stitch their minds, hearts, bodies, and spirits together

believing that one day they won't try to destroy each other 

one day they'll come together like the Virginia Titans

and shine and thrive and smile and heal

together.

but my hands grip my sides

and my mind runs through shadows

while my heart looks everywhere for a hug

and my soul silently hides in the corner, not sure of where to go, or how to help

I believe that one day the pieces will fit

that my heart will hug the roots of hurt in my mind

and my soul inside my body will shine

and thrive

and smile the widest smile, putting every kindergartner's first-day grin to shame

and my soul and body and mind and heart

will be friends

because they'll have healed 

together. 

so until then

I will be a tourist in my own mind

                         learning something new every day

                                           discovering the beauty of the lost cities in my memories

                                                                         taking pictures of each corner

                                                                                                  remembering the hurt

and remembering the triumphs of each year in this place my soul calls home

and I'll call it my home

and see it as a beautiful and inspiring history 

and I'll no longer pretend I'm not a tourist

and I'll belong

and I'll face the world with my scars and shaking fingers and a beating, battered heart

and I'll shine. 

but my mind isn't getting along with my body and my soul believes they are both far too weak to keep us going through everything we're facing 

so we wait another day

cry another day

lie here

just one

           more 

                  day

                       ...

sleep walking

Oh heart, please wake up

I know you are aching

And beating seems paralyzing

I'm just scared that you'll sleep forever

Oh mind, please pay attention

You don't need to stress about those tests

They've come and gone

I'm afraid you're ignoring what you haven't given time to process

Oh hands, please let go

You're holding on so tight to being okay

Please let us fall apart

I want to fall and for it to be ugly and healing

Oh darling, please take a moment

To mourn

To cry

To just be held for a little while

Time is not an issue

Feelings are not a problem

You will make it through this

Please take a breath

Wake up

Break down your walls

Let go

Allow broken to be broken

Only then will you find what is beautiful and what needs mending

Please fall apart

I don't want to be numb

I don't want to be asleep

I want to feel-- no matter how much it hurts

No matter how fast i think to run

I will fall with you

Our sobs will be a song of pain and hope harmonizing together

Please wake up

Please be here

Please let go

Take this moment.

Remember

it's better to just not be okay

what's the most poetic way to say I hate you?

oh, the people you must have met to believe that a girl would fake a pregnancy and mental illnesses to get out of class

who hurt you?

I stand

and I faint

and I fall to the ground while you exclaim

FAKE

 

fake?

please sir, tell me what's fake.

my racing heart?

my panic when I saw your face?

or maybe the way my eyes rolled into my head before I crashed to the floor.

I'm sorry sir, but the only thing that is fake is the sincerity behind your voice when you say you understand and know that any of this is serious

my education was never meant to be a game

I did not empty my wallet to be doubted

I did not email you my soul for you to brush it off like an insect on your shoulder

I believe you have a life in which you have worked hard and struggled and even failed but do not understand how you can turn your focus away from an honest plea as if it is an obnoxious salesman at your doorstep

mail to 270 s 200 e

oh someone, Please write me a love letter 

paint me a picture of my mind

illustrate the thoughts that pouR off my tongue into the sky lifting souls to the stars

feather in beauty and sadness from the deep sulci entangling each lobe like lace

tell me stories of days you find me dancing doing dishes and singing songs to myself

tell me how you notice the moments when i cry, head bowed, staring into the two lakes i create

tell me i'm the main character, describe who she is and why you think the plot armor is strong enough to save her from her demons

remind me yOu see me

and not just the "andra is always a good friend and does her best and lifts others"

let me know you see the "andra can't seem to wake up on time and is always running late, she doesn't seem to go to classes and is very behind in school and she isn't kind to herself and seems to have stopped believing in her ability to reach her dreams.. i don't think she's okay"

oh please tell me that the girl you fell in loVe with is still in here somewhere..

and if you could

please invite her to be a part of the mess that i am now

oh someone

please write me a love letter

write it to remind my mind that someone could love me

and not just for the good of me

oh please tell me that the dark and the ugly are a part of your love, toO

oh please write me a love letter 

use pretty words and real events and convince my mind that it isn't aboUt someone you've dreamed up

oh please write me a love letTer 

i tried writing one myself..

oh please write me a love letter 

because i don't have the strength

oh please 

if you cannot write me a love letter

let me lie here and cry till it's over 

i wish i didn't need a love letter 

oh how i wish i simply loved me

~jqp

12 AM always made for better poems

desert eyes and a stony back call out "uncle" and beg for sleep

but my wall-street-schedule-brain clicks away

a dog snores at the base of the bed while my husband softly breathes to my right

a day alone begs to meet me on the other side of a good night's rest and I rarely look forward to it

my mind is a maze of my disorder's contradictions

if you go straight remember to be sad that you're alone

turn left? reach out to friends but DO NOT make plans-- This would be a dead-end because you will not follow through and in turn, will feel worse

take a right! hang out with friends but remember anxiety attacks will precede and follow such an event 

don't bother trying to jump the walls, there are a billion more issues about daily tasks and reaching goals beyond social issues

I beg to be rid of the mess

I beg to be put first

I beg to be able to chase my dreams and not be stuck when I can't get myself to eat or clean

I beg to be okay while I preach to others that it's okay to not be..

and sure, maybe it is okay not to be okay, but that doesn't make it suck any less

I have so many good things ahead of me and I can't get myself to see past a lonely 10 hours on a Wednesday

so please dear universe, show me I won't fail

help me see that a life intertwined with excessive tears and shaky hands will lead to joy, too

send me a sign to remember that I still matter

that I'm still seen

that I can still be a friend, and a wife, and a sister or a daughter

remind me that I still bring good to this world and rock me to sleep showing me that rainstorms bring life and that pain instills growth and that I can still grow.. 

i can still grow

~JQP

a love letter; to me

hey,

I see that you've fallen, a lot really-- specifically this week. I know that hurts and I realize you feel like you're failing. and I want you to know that that's okay. Not only okay, but that's good! And I realize you're rolling your eyes at me right now and saying that "it's easy for you to say" thinking that I'm coming out on the other side perfectly alright, but I want to explain that that isn't the case. It's not over yet. And I'm not completely sure if it ever will be. But dang girl, I was sitting in the mundane endless line of work today and I was laughing and smiling with people I didn't even know, and sure! The sadness, like a magnet, came back and latched onto my mind, but that doesn't mean I wasn't happy for an hour or two. Now I also recognize that it's still hard;. Because it isn't lasting. Because after such a good day I still couldn't find the motivation to do so many things that I wanted to do. But I promise you are doing so well. You are still seeing other people and loving them. You still look for ways to give and love and believe. And even though a lot of the time I don't seem like I do, but I believe in you. I trust you to give your all and to love life no matter what hits you-- mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically.. ALL OF IT. You're a fighter and you're the hero in your story. Never stop fighting for what you believe in-- and that includes you.

Yours truly,
you.

5

Once upon a time
I bet you couldn't watch a scary movie all the way through. You proved me wrong and I gained a best friend. 

5 months later you held me tight after I accidentally broke up with my boyfriend. You brought me Rice Chex, Chip cookies, and watched Lilo & Stitch as my mind tried to accept anything aside from reality. 

4 hours reconnecting and realizing you missed me, too. Fingering "hey fam" in the sequin pillow and meeting my roommates and making a promise that we wouldn't say goodbye for now; promising we would give us a try.

3 dates in one week and talking all night. You took the time to ask how I was, I took that time to ask you to be mine. You kissed my lips and memories I had tried to wash away all came flooding back; 

          cuddling on the couch after Black Panther with Logan, Christoph, and your mom coming in and out while watching the game--
                                    buffalo peak and wanting to kiss you so bad I was shaking--
      sleeping in your basement last December because I was too tired to drive home--
                                                   talking about trek with your mom and all her worries in being good enough for the kids she'd be working with, then you and I took a tour of your childhood stomping grounds all while holding your hand and resting my head on your steady shoulder--
            sitting around the campfire at lake palisade, my eyes tracing the stars while you and Erich exchanged stories and jokes with my dad-- 
                                  the night we lie on my living room floor retracing our past, ready for the other to run, when all we received back was acceptance and trust..

2 birthday gifts; one to capture the moments and another to remind you that you sprayed me down with cologne once but that I like it better on you ;)

1 heart that has no way to express its gratitude nor devotion toward the selfless soul that never ceases to keep it safe.


There are so many places I want to take you and people I cannot wait for you to meet, but for what it's worth, the moments I've spent with you don't have me counting down to anything aside from right here and right now with you.

-AA