the day we saw Nelson cry

Most of us came to school sober
not all
Most of us read the posts
but not all..because sometimes it hurts to cry

It was cold today. And it snowed last night.
But that's not why my skin was paled by goosebumps
Why my hands couldn't stop shaking



Last night words like 'passed on' and 'better place' 
echoed through the streets of paris
But they resonated someplace else
they resonated in the fasts of every Mormon
in the hearts of every mother
in the halls of the seminary
in the sticky notes that cover your lockers
in the message that he read aloud in class

the one that not even he could read straight through..
The tears fell out of his eyes, involuntarily, as water glossed my own
we could all feel it
the jock from the back of the classroom with the box of tissues..
we felt that too
yet the drops had already soiled his paper

no one knew what to say
....no one knew what to say
We logged on our computers with weights in our stomachs
no one wanted to say it
I wanted to go over and hug him 
I wanted things to be okay..

But students don't hug their teachers



Silence was the invader who took over Lone Peak

his twitter gave too many hints 
....but it wasn't obvious to any of us..
he is a good kid
a gentleman
He made even my little sister smile when he called her pretty
That last day that he walked these halls
I want to tell him thank you.

but he's gone..
And I know I shouldn't dwell on this
I didn't even know him 
But I knew a few things

His heart was good..no
His heart is good.

that won't be forgotten.


The tears come down in streams as I drive
I drive past the high school
I drive past the cemetery
there's a van there now...
I wonder..

The tears keep steaming

they pool under my chin
they stain the pages of my notebook 

I don't really have best friends to turn to right now
Its hard to explain.
and i don't want to go home 
and I'm sitting here in my car
I'm trying to find hope

and I didn't want to make this sad


But its far too late for that.

We felt him there at school today
and our hearts broke
And please don't lose hope
And please, if you have- don't give up
But if you've done that
Just come here, love.
let me hold you in my arms
Because I won't let you go.
Because I need someone's arms around me too
and as for the unnamed tragedy

I wrote you a note:

Dear SUICIDE,

i  hate  you.  i  hate  that

you  took  my  brother away.

i  hate  that you  took  her

cousin  away.  i  hate  that

you took her uncle as  well.

but most  of all i hate that

you  have such a long  list 

of  almosts. that you almost

took two of my best friends.

my little sister. myself....

that's all

Sincerely~ JANE

and as for Nelson, 

and all the people who had the courage to come to school today,

even through your tears.

you have my love.

you have my heart.

I know that i have always been a closet crier

but you have shown me that

sometimes

its better to cry where its makes you completely vulnerable

when even though you feel alone

you quickly learn you're not the only one

who cares.

~JQP