12 AM always made for better poems

desert eyes and a stony back call out "uncle" and beg for sleep

but my wall-street-schedule-brain clicks away

a dog snores at the base of the bed while my husband softly breathes to my right

a day alone begs to meet me on the other side of a good night's rest and I rarely look forward to it

my mind is a maze of my disorder's contradictions

if you go straight remember to be sad that you're alone

turn left? reach out to friends but DO NOT make plans-- This would be a dead-end because you will not follow through and in turn, will feel worse

take a right! hang out with friends but remember anxiety attacks will precede and follow such an event 

don't bother trying to jump the walls, there are a billion more issues about daily tasks and reaching goals beyond social issues

I beg to be rid of the mess

I beg to be put first

I beg to be able to chase my dreams and not be stuck when I can't get myself to eat or clean

I beg to be okay while I preach to others that it's okay to not be..

and sure, maybe it is okay not to be okay, but that doesn't make it suck any less

I have so many good things ahead of me and I can't get myself to see past a lonely 10 hours on a Wednesday

so please dear universe, show me I won't fail

help me see that a life intertwined with excessive tears and shaky hands will lead to joy, too

send me a sign to remember that I still matter

that I'm still seen

that I can still be a friend, and a wife, and a sister or a daughter

remind me that I still bring good to this world and rock me to sleep showing me that rainstorms bring life and that pain instills growth and that I can still grow.. 

i can still grow

~JQP