Wednesday, May 12, 2021

12 AM always made for better poems

desert eyes and a stony back call out "uncle" and beg for sleep
but my wall-street-schedule-brain clicks away

a dog snores at the base of the bed while my husband softly breathes to my right
a day alone begs to meet me on the other side of a good night's rest and I rarely look forward to it

my mind is a maze of my disorder's contradictions
if you go straight remember to be sad that you're alone
turn left? reach out to friends but DO NOT make plans-- This would be a dead-end because you will not follow through and in turn, will feel worse
take a right! hang out with friends but remember anxiety attacks will precede and follow such an event 
don't bother trying to jump the walls, there are a billion more issues about daily tasks and reaching goals beyond social issues



I beg to be rid of the mess
I beg to be put first
I beg to be able to chase my dreams and not be stuck when I can't get myself to eat or clean

I beg to be okay while I preach to others that it's okay to not be..

and sure, maybe it is okay not to be okay, but that doesn't make it suck any less

I have so many good things ahead of me and I can't get myself to see past a lonely 10 hours on a Wednesday

so please dear universe, show me I won't fail
help me see that a life intertwined with excessive tears and shaky hands will lead to joy, too
send me a sign to remember that I still matter
that I'm still seen
that I can still be a friend, and a wife, and a sister or a daughter

remind me that I still bring good to this world and rock me to sleep showing me that rainstorms bring life and that pain instills growth and that I can still grow.. 

i can still grow



~JQP


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