letters in subconscious

dear mr. hazel eyes,

your fingertips on my side always made me shiver

but darling you should have told me that your hands were made of ice

summer came and every part of you melted away

claims you staked, promises you made

everything you said

puddled on the floor, seeping into my shoes

every step i take reminding me of you

my dear heartbroken painter,

desperation filled my lungs in hurried prayers

tears seeped down my cheeks because i knew you wouldn't stop there

"my paint brush is a razor. my canvas is my skin. my paint is my blood. a pretty picture."

dear god please take her pain, please make me suffer 

if i could change one thing about you love, it would be your vision

because if you could see what i see

you would realize that god filled your life with much more beautiful paintings.

for the boy that loved me first,

love, i miss your sparkling blue eyes

i never told you all that i wanted to say

that you changed my life

that the care and devotion you showed 

it made me who i am.

i'll never know why you cared even when i made you cry.

thank you for not giving up on me.

dear ms. disney,

you are a true diamond.

perfect at every point, transparent, unbreakable

your eyes shine and your smile is a light

and i wish you were here..

i guess i should have seen this coming

diamonds are precious and you've chosen to whom you will belong

but love, i miss you

but he is good. and i don't want to be the the silver between you and his fingers

my darling valentine,

i'm sorry i didn't keep contact

love, you are a tulip in a field of wild flowers

and you're pristine and perfect and completely sensible

but i was never looking for a tulip, and i'm sorry

please know you deserve much better than me

you'll always be a genius in my eyes

for the boy who grew a beard,

you caught me in between depression and a really bad day and i'm sorry i left you in the dark without even a night light

dear, we found each other on a path right before a fork, and not knowing you'd turn left I promised to stand by

but love, i was headed right, and I didn't get the chance to say goodbye..

hey brown eyes,

you really screwed me up you know

your eyelashes got tangled in my heartstrings and now i'm not sure i'll ever get them completely out

i have your words written in black ink and your bruises written with blue

and love, i'm not sure who broke the promises first

but I'm quite sure it was you.

to elder freckles and red hair,

i don't know why it was important that i know you

you give me anxiety and we don't even talk

you actually have me convinced that i bug you and that i shouldn't have believed a single word you said

and the problem is, is i just wish you would prove me wrong

for the girl who's heard me sob,

i think i broke my promise

again..

but love i didn't try to

dear I was doing my best but i felt so alone in the effort

i want to be there and trust and listen, but love i can't seem to find just how to do it

but i haven't given up yet, so hold tight spider monkey

for the little blonde girl,

dear, you have a roller coaster in your heart that goes through the motions without any passengers on board

i'm sorry you feel so alone

you told me that you're shutting down the ride and that someday you'll continue it again, but right now's just not a good time

it makes sense.

but don't give up just because he got inside your head.

another thing: tighten your scarf and put on your gloves, dear

its sweater season, and I don't need you getting sick too

and please, just one last thing for all of you,

i love you and you mean something to me. i'm sorry for the pain i've cause and the problems i can't solve. i truly believe in you and i know you'll do great things. thanks for being there for me. please don't forget me. and if nothing else; stay strong.

~JQP

i doubt you still read my blog

maybe the moon got into my head, but these past seven days have been filled with nothing but you

the glint of your hair in the light of gold fields

the sound of your sarcasm echoing in my own voice

the mocking of your laughter in my dreams, because we both know you told me not to trust you

and love, its been long enough that your smell is no longer on my jacket

and the draft i wrote you is near the bottom of my messages

you're like a song stuck in my head

i hear your name every once in awhile and like a stain on my heart it lingers

dear i accidentally left my foot in the door but i ignore any want to say hello

yet hello is still quivering on my lips

please say something
tell me to leave
tell me to forget you
and don't tell me you're sorry
because love, i know i'd believe it

tell me you actually cared and didn't just use me for my words
please say you didn't just use me because i loved you
if you can't.. please don't leave without saying goodbye

tell me in a text or better yet a snapchat

say you don't care, that life will go on smoothly with my absence

because, love, it already has

tell me you don't want to talk anymore

say you got bored whenever you'd look into my eyes

tell me goodbye and mutter "good riddens"

delete my number and block me on facebook

leave my secrets on your front lawn so you can forget my simple existence

make it singe my hair and cut my skin

but don't make it deep enough to scar

because darling your stain still remains on my heart and I don't need another reminder that you're running endless marathons through my mind

forget me like a poem you scribbled out in your book and write a new page without me

you were there and i was blind

but love, you're gone and i've lost my mind

stories I've heard have chased you out of my heart but my mind's left wondering where you are

how you are

whose you are

but i won't know and i won't ask

for i don't want you to see me wishing

i want you to forget me

forget me.

but I'm quite sure you already have.

~JQP