tourism at its finest

Saturday I realized I'm still avoiding looking like a tourist

Sunday I remembered that this life isn't where I belong

And Monday I couldn't face the world in honesty

my soul is aching watching my mind tear my heart out of its cage shaking my body

air escapes my lungs before i can to scream "WHY CAN'T YOU ALL JUST GET ALONG?" 

nothing but gasps and sobs can leave my trembling lips 

I like to dream that I'm not alone.. 

that others are trying to stitch their minds, hearts, bodies, and spirits together

believing that one day they won't try to destroy each other 

one day they'll come together like the Virginia Titans

and shine and thrive and smile and heal

together.

but my hands grip my sides

and my mind runs through shadows

while my heart looks everywhere for a hug

and my soul silently hides in the corner, not sure of where to go, or how to help

I believe that one day the pieces will fit

that my heart will hug the roots of hurt in my mind

and my soul inside my body will shine

and thrive

and smile the widest smile, putting every kindergartner's first-day grin to shame

and my soul and body and mind and heart

will be friends

because they'll have healed 

together. 

so until then

I will be a tourist in my own mind

                         learning something new every day

                                           discovering the beauty of the lost cities in my memories

                                                                         taking pictures of each corner

                                                                                                  remembering the hurt

and remembering the triumphs of each year in this place my soul calls home

and I'll call it my home

and see it as a beautiful and inspiring history 

and I'll no longer pretend I'm not a tourist

and I'll belong

and I'll face the world with my scars and shaking fingers and a beating, battered heart

and I'll shine. 

but my mind isn't getting along with my body and my soul believes they are both far too weak to keep us going through everything we're facing 

so we wait another day

cry another day

lie here

just one

           more 

                  day

                       ...

sleep walking

Oh heart, please wake up

I know you are aching

And beating seems paralyzing

I'm just scared that you'll sleep forever

Oh mind, please pay attention

You don't need to stress about those tests

They've come and gone

I'm afraid you're ignoring what you haven't given time to process

Oh hands, please let go

You're holding on so tight to being okay

Please let us fall apart

I want to fall and for it to be ugly and healing

Oh darling, please take a moment

To mourn

To cry

To just be held for a little while

Time is not an issue

Feelings are not a problem

You will make it through this

Please take a breath

Wake up

Break down your walls

Let go

Allow broken to be broken

Only then will you find what is beautiful and what needs mending

Please fall apart

I don't want to be numb

I don't want to be asleep

I want to feel-- no matter how much it hurts

No matter how fast i think to run

I will fall with you

Our sobs will be a song of pain and hope harmonizing together

Please wake up

Please be here

Please let go

Take this moment.

Remember

it's better to just not be okay

what's the most poetic way to say I hate you?

oh, the people you must have met to believe that a girl would fake a pregnancy and mental illnesses to get out of class

who hurt you?

I stand

and I faint

and I fall to the ground while you exclaim

FAKE

 

fake?

please sir, tell me what's fake.

my racing heart?

my panic when I saw your face?

or maybe the way my eyes rolled into my head before I crashed to the floor.

I'm sorry sir, but the only thing that is fake is the sincerity behind your voice when you say you understand and know that any of this is serious

my education was never meant to be a game

I did not empty my wallet to be doubted

I did not email you my soul for you to brush it off like an insect on your shoulder

I believe you have a life in which you have worked hard and struggled and even failed but do not understand how you can turn your focus away from an honest plea as if it is an obnoxious salesman at your doorstep