Don't Forget to Aim for the Kill

There’s a lock on this cage inside my chest and there's only one key

And I know I didn't give it to you.

I should've known you didn't need one

You came as a thief dressed as an apathetic teenager

And I know my judgment isn't harsh, but I should have seen the mischief in your eyes

You took me gently in your arms and unlocked my secrets in a single breath

You had my heart in your gaze but the cage inside my chest was smart enough to stay locked

Yet its prisoner never let me feel anything else

Once you had my secrets balanced on your tongue you took bolt cutters to my prison and swung the door open

But instead of taking my heart

You just admired it

The accelerated beating

The wounds that you inflicted

And you left it there

Door a jar

Never looking back

Because you knew the door was broken and if you wanted to come back

I’d have to let you in

And darling, it’s been quite a while but you came back

And this time you took what you claim I gave you

You tied it on a string and hung it from the highest branch of the tree that outgrew our initials

Without that beat

I've forgotten the rhythm of this song I sing

The thirds and fifths have lost their place, and the music I play has decrescendo to a silence not even the crickets could fill

And I’m sorry I’m talking in music but harmonies are the only things that get me feeling anymore.

I sit in the shade that our names provide and looking up- I don't think i miss us

I just miss everything else

I miss rides up the canyon and singing our hearts out

I miss sharing everything- even our sick days

I miss our homework parties

I miss no secrets

And I miss the way your hand fit in mine

But honey, I've stopped missing you.

Because the ‘you’ I know was only an instance in which you claimed to be pretending.

The one I loved, loved me

But at this point I know you just like I wanted to more than I wanted

Because darling, you majored in drama and minored in the seven deadly sins

You speak in fluent lies and the only genuine word you utter is goodbye.

And lately you've slipped the 'good' off your tongue and have dismissed yourself without declaring a word

Thinking I wouldn't notice that you left

Figuring I wouldn't care if you returned

Let me just say that there are definitely times I wish I didn't-

But the only one who can even begin to bring my heart down from that tree

Is you

And until then- while you're gone

Please. Continue in showing that you've moved on.

And don't forget to aim for the kill

Because there's still a hollow in my chest waiting to be filled

And your daggers have always fit so nicely.

~AA

before I got old

In 2 days I will have spent my 56,764,800th second on this planet
And I guess you could say that every second counts, but that's not me
In the 6,570 days that I've lived
In the 17 breaths I take each minute
In the words that I've said
And the things that I've done
I have not been able to tell you who I really am
And now they tell me that I'm supposed to know
That I must have opinions and a large vocabulary
And the Mayor even wants me to vote. So I will:
I vote not.

With these past 6 years of not having recess
All they tell me is how I should think
What I should know 
And how I should use it
After 12 years of having to ask if I could use the bathroom they now expect me to choose what I will be for the next 80 years of my life
But how can I choose what I'm too be when I'm not even sure who I am?

I'm limited to what I know, but here's a few things that I am sure of
I wasn't made for a fairy tale story to ooze from the pages of my book
I wasn't made for pink nail polish and white teeth or brushing my hair in the morning
I'm not the kind who sits quietly in class and respects every teacher like a good student
I'm not the high school dropout or the homecoming Queen kind of girl
I wasn't made for text books and math problems or large words in all of your literacy
I wasn't made for basketball as some might think or volleyball or any sport beside soccer for that matter-and I was hardly made for that
I wasn't made for lead roles in plays or solos in recitals; even though I try to be
I want made for popularity or social media or highschool love
I wasn't made for any of that

Me? I was made for tragic story lines like Nicholas Sparks books
I was made for blistered fingers and black ink pens and empty leather bound journals
I was made for dancing in the rain and dancing through the pain and raindrops on my tongue
I'm the kind who listens to your problems because my heart always beat for someone else
I'm the girl who feels prettier in sweaters than in prom dresses and is more intrigued by the boy who doesn't laugh at my jokes than the one who hangs on my every word
I was made for heartfelt hugs and endless 'I love you's
I was made for dirty rooms and teddy bears and night lights
I was made for summer nights under the stars
In a canopy of pines, for snow angels and mud holes and long sweaty hikes that leave me panting
My feet were made to keep kicking and my hands were made to love
My eyes were to remain blind to judgment and my heart was made big- so I could never stop loving
No matter how hard I tried

And maybe this is me-maybe I've figured it all out
JUST MAYBE after 18 years of existing
I found myself, and found what I'm living for
But I've still got 48 hours to figure it out
48 hours till they dub me 'adult'
Because in 2 days I will have spent my 56,764,800th seconds on this planet
But I have a feeling it's gonna feel like my first

~AA

For Princess Sophie and Her big stone cat: a tribute to my best friend

Did you know we met over 3,285 days ago?

I've only been alive for 6,570 days and you've known me for half of them

Do you remember the first time I explained that I was too weird for you that it was your loss?

Looking back-I realize that I really had guts

And so did you

I remember our first audition together

You landed the part of Katrina Van Tassel

And I was ensemble

And we loved every minute of it

And remember two months ago?

When you were the Mother in Christmas Story

And I was ensemble?

And I ended up loving it- but I mean, it's hard

Sorry

I don't mean to make you feel bad

I really loved it

And you were amazing


Remember when we first became friends and we fought a lot, like nine-year-olds do

And the first adventures we blazed at your house

When your dad blasted 'She's Country'

And the time I cut out a cardboard sphinx?

I remember when we sang for each other--But not in the same room
Cause that's scary

Instead we used a microphone :)


I remember singing you the songs I wrote and always thinking yours were better

I remember the longest school days and chasing boys at recess

I remember obsessing over Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato because we were gonna be just like them

One in the same ♥

I remember reading princess books and writing stories

I remember twilight midnight movie premiers

And your crazy Uno rules and Connect 4

I remember our Valentines Day sleepover

And Another Country Cinderella

And every photo shoot we lived through


I remember talking about boys and music and dreams and boys again

And trying to write songs together but never remembering the right melody

I remember always taking seminary the same period and never being in the same seminary class

I remember your balance tricks and dōTERRA

And rhyming till we were too dizzy to stand

I remember Insanity and Buns of Steel

I remember taquitos and black milk and Veggie Straws

And every pack of fruit snacks


I remember sharing a locker all three years at junior high

And always being the stupid Jacob fan to your stupid Edward fan

I remember riding my bike over to your house-all the time

I remember growing apart in the summer

And reconnecting every winter

I remember feeling sad and alone and 'fake'

And betrayed

But I also remember how much closer that made us


I remember football games and dance class and PE

And drama 3 and never ending improv

I remember our random rant sessions

And our awkward confessions

I remember how there's always been one thing you won't tell me

And I respect that

I remember our epiphany that we liked 'bad boys' at Strasburg

I remember our plans for road trips and our sad attempt

I remember depression and Disneyland

And how my heart sank when I learned how close you were to that door

I remember how I don't ever want to lose you


I remember your old garage code and your home phone number

And late night calls

I remember the first Productions Co. list

I remember the saddest tears


I remember Fiddler on the Roof- both times

I remember choir and health and ASL

I remember getting into chamber and the family we found

I remember our dating scrapbook and our dream guys

I remember Bailey and how she ate peas

I remember carpooling

And the beginning of senior year

I remember our anxiety and excitement

And looking back

I remember growing up together

Like Miley and Lily

Or Raven and Chelsea

Or Lizzie and Miranda

And it's been crazy 

And it's been amazing

And i'm so glad it was you

I remember the first times you wrote about me on your blogs

And believe me-they stung

But I won't forget how you spoke of me in A1-it's still echoing in my head


Thanks for always being here for me

Maybe your hands are small but they are hands that hold me entirely

I love you, darling

And just so we're clear,

YOU are my best friend

You have been since fifth grade.

And you always will be.

And I really try to be that for you

But I know I'm not perfect

And dear- for me we will always be famous

We will forever be crazy kids who stay up talking way too late and sleep our afternoons away

You inspire me to fly past the moon and your heart belongs among the constellations

And I know you don't feel beautiful when you cry but when your heart burns and flies across the sky-

The world sees the beauty and makes a wish

Because you my dear shine brighter

To say the least- I dream to grow up to be you

But I'll settle with knowing you

Because honey, you're the best friend a nine year old could ever ask for

And I'll never forget that first day 

Because 'when I saw you, I knew an adventure was going to happen'

Boy was I in for a crazy ride

Forever and always~
Your stupid Jacob fan

~AA

in and out. in and out

Keep breathing.

The air outside is cold

And your cheeks are white as the snow

Keep breathing.

Your sister isn't eating

And your mom's eyes are red as roses

Keep breathing.

The gazes of the hallway question the hand gripping at your side

And there's nothing there to hold onto

Keep breathing.

Class starts, its another sub

Your eyes have lost color as reality washes out the blue

Keep breathing....

Write it down

One

Word

At

A

Time..

He left you last night

She's cautiously suicidal

Your father lost his job at 5:27pm

Your mom is saying you'll have to move..

Sitting in the snow

Things

Start to turn black.

You see everyone else surrounded in the thick cloud of air that they breath

You lie unconscious in the cold

As the air thins, a white vapor seeps before your eyes

You remember

Keep breathing.

~AA

a solid 42/10

I wish I could say I read the book I'd planned to

Or maybe even just a book in general


And I mean, I did! I read The Book of Mormon from beginning to end over the break!.. If that counts. Year of no mistakes, right? Right.


And I could tell you how fantastic that was, but I'll save that for my talk next month :) ....




So I mean, I read blogs and some of this series I'm reading (the hourglass door, which is prime), but BOM was where it was at ❤ and I loved it and I laughed and I cried and it was very fantastic

So yup

Book review..


A solid 42/10 

Read on my friends

~AA

homework is poetic. and by that i mean i'm pathetic.

i'm not sure where she went

i think she stopped trying to be found

wanting myself to find her in 1200 words

one thousand two hundred words

words that could show you the truth

words that would discover her

her

who doesn't seem to exist.

but you keep asking for her

your word limits and formatting never meant less to me

you want me to write, but what for?

you wont read it wanting to learn

you skim it to see if i tried

but we both know i didn't

so why do it

you think you're going to change my mind

make me feel

make me.

i dare you.

but darling, i'm numb

and my incentive lost its way in the hot air of this school

and i know just as well as you do that i don't want her back

but i do

but even though i do

i dropped off motivation two cities back on our trip back from nowhere

and i'm not sure where she went

i don't want to write a paper for ASL.

so i wrote this blog post instead.

so thanks for reading about my pathetic poetic procrastination.

~AA