as for my un-tuned guitar

Someone save me

I'm drowning and all I want is a glimpse of life
It's been so long since the sun's seen my face
And I'm deeper than heartache in this bottomless ocean

Im crying and it feels like laughter
But only because I can't feel the tears running down my cheeks

My endless cries water the already dead trees that embrace your name time after time after time 
after time
And I know these pages won't grow on you, but I cry on them anyway

I know how much you hate it when I give advice
I know you don't like it when I care
I know you didn't want me to hug you for so long-but it stopped your tears, love
And I really hate seeing you cry

You keep telling me to open up
But I can't possibly show you my breaks when you're slipping through unending cracks


I really miss dancing in your basement
And laughing till sunrise
And the simple problems we couldn't forget



Yet now I can't seem to remember how the hourglass slipped out of my hands and hit the floor 

My heart dropped as expired time lay my memories out across the ground becoming more and more hesitant to climb up from my stomach into place with nostalgia
Hopelessness caresses my cheek as I quickly reach for the pieces of time to fit them back together

My scars reopen brushing diamond shards, filling with sand; surging pain through my blood
Shocking my heart---- finding just the right pulse to return it to the nerves that felt the electricity of your touch


You beg me to stand
You offer your hand
I don't understand.

You left me..
So why'd you come back?
To laugh at my hands stained in black from our memories?
To watch me slip on the ice you preserved them in?

You call out to me but all I hear are my screams
I sound pitiful and helpless yet I still don't take your hand
And don't expect me to

They think I'm okay
Stop looking at me as if I'm perfectly alright!
Im not!
Its all a façade
But you don't see it

I know you care
But he doesn't
And she can't even see it


But I do

And I know I'm in trouble


Im lost in the seas I've created at night
I beat myself up in ways you've never tried
I know I need help but I'm engulfed in the winds scattering diamonds in the sand


Maybe you don't see it yet
But this isn't about you
And it's not about him
And don't think it's about her


It's about me.

Not just the girl who grew up alone
Or the one who comments on your blog
Or the girl who tends to listen to your problems rather than solve her own
Its about the girl who's falling in love
And not just with a boy but with the sky
The girl who needs a longer-than-ten-seconds hug
The girl who's screaming inside but just let's the tears fall when you tell her she's done it all wrong.


Im lying on the floor and I know you want me to get up
But.. do me a favor?

There's a guitar leaned up against reality in my room
The strings are a little rusty and it's a bit out of tune
It's covered in dust from sitting there so long
But I'm going to play it
Im going to play it until my fingers bleed
Because I've come to see reality won't come out of tuned melodies





~AA