two weeks from tomorrow

my stomach clenched just writing the title.

maybe i'm the only one
but this isn't easy

we look at the 28th as if its a finish line
but last night reminded me that the 28th is the edge of this cliff
one that i have almost no courage jumping off

reach your peak

twelve years of sitting in classrooms for 6 hrs a day
and we all just keep wishing it away

i can't wait 'til i start school

i can't wait 'til recess

i can't wait 'til i'm a 6th grader

i can't wait 'til i get a locker

i can't wait 'til i get a boyfriend 

i can't wait 'til i get to high school

i can't wait 'til i get my license

i can't wait 'til i get a car

i can't wait 'til i'm 18

i can't wait 'til i graduate....

looking up to seniors like they were gods 
thinking graduation was the celebration of a lifetime;

and maybe you're all pumped to get out of happy valley
maybe you cant wait to finally get out of your parents house
maybe your completely ready to leave all of this behind


but me?

i'm fighting back tears just to make it seem like i'm ready too
i'm fighting going home because the last time i'll see these people who have changed my life is coming too fast and i know i can't hold on to them much longer..

i don't know why this is so hard
i don't understand why i cried so much at my last concert with chamber
i don't get what causes my wishes for this not to end

i mean i don't love school so don't get me wrong on that
but school is where i grew up
school was my safe haven when my brother abused me
school was where i learned how to make friends
where i made friends that have changed my life forever
school is where i spent unfailing hours learning how to love
where i was bullied as a kid
school is where i was inspired to teach
where i learned why people don't like teachers
school is where i fell in love with kindness
where i found i could sing and act
and dance even
school taught me how to read and write
school is where i got the courage to audition for something i didn't have a chance in making
where i found the courage to fall in love
school may have taught me to be uniform
but school taught me how to rebel
how to procrastinate with purpose
school taught me that being different was okay
and maybe it was even cool
school taught me how to cry at math problems
and school taught me how to cram
that failing a test was okay, but i should keep trying.
and lastly school taught me how to lose someone
school taught me that moving away could be for the better
that losing friends wasn't the end
that caring may not save them, but it can help
that even when its all over
there are still steps to be taken



and maybe its good i'm getting away
maybe i need a break from homework all-nighters
and emotional finals
maybe it's time to walk away from the life ive been living since before i can remember

but two weeks from tomorrow i'll be crying
i'll visit the airport to see my that-day-home sister missionary
i'll walk to receive a handshake and a piece of paper with a smile plastered on my face
i'll give a teary eyed hug to my little sister
i'll wish my brother was by my side
i'll cry when i realize she's really home
i'll thank my grandparents for coming
i'll kiss my daddy on the cheek
and then i'll see my mom
she'll see the fear of growing up in my eyes
she'll tell me i'm ready
and i'll let that prolonged tear slip from my eyes

i'll walk away holding my best friend's hands
i'll stay up all night laughing and smiling
then i'll wake up and realize its over

it'll be 6th grade all over again
i'll drive home with nostalgia pumping through my veins
i'll see each memory passing by
and i'll let it happen

and heaven knows it wont be easy


and heaven knows i'm not ready



you're all counting down to the last day of high school
but i'm trying to run the other direction

i keep telling myself i need to say thank you
i need to tell them how much it meant
i need to tell him i like him
and i need to tell her she's beautiful
i need to smile in the mirror and tell myself

thank you



to every freaking single person

thank you for changing my life 



and to school

thank you for pushing me and teaching me discipline
thank you for my favorite teachers
thank you for the teachers i hated
thank you for teaching me how to live
and giving me times i wish i weren't alive

and thank you for forming me
and who i am
for life lessons and math lessons

thank you for being the worst best thing that ever happened to me.

and here's to you graduation-- please don't be as sad as i think you'll be

~AA