a little girls dream

My heart is dreaming again, and not of you
Not of anyone in specific

It's as if I believe in princes again and I don't mind that you found your princess
Because Ive found you were my friend, but not my prince
And whether he's on a white horse or in a beat down, makeshift car, or even taking the local train,
I believe he'll come, and he'll love God, and he'll love me
And that will be more than enough.

~AA

A first love

If he was the first to hold you
Is that supposed to mean something?
The first one who told you he loved you
The first one to kiss your lips and feel the need to be closer than space would allow

When he says goodbye
How long is it supposed to hurt?
When he finds another love
When he slow dances with her while you stand in the corner
When he falls to one knee and offers her the ring that once filled your dreams

It's a moment that I never wished to live
It's a nightmare that fills her every daydream
It's reality that as of December 5th exists

Break. I dare you to break one more time heart, in the name of Gilbert Michael Burns. JUST BREAK.

Send lightening down the middle and create a generic crack straight through
Shatter into a million pieces and erode away as dust
Let the wind scatter the ashes of what used to be
And don't come back

Please don't come back.

I spread my secrets thin, never all at once
Never all in the same place
I don't want to hand my heart to anyone

Not anyone at all

My mind repeatedly runs into wall after wall after wall
Welcoming the pain of never ending misunderstandings
I try to trust and open up
I don't know how

Not after you left after begging me to stay
Not after you walked her to our bench and stopped asking me "how was your day?"
Not after you told me it was right for us to have drifted apart
Not after the day she told me he held a ring and she held his heart

He was my first love
And probably my last love
As long as my heart breaks and scatters and keeps it's promises to keep to itself.

-aa

Two syllables, no sound

Yours will be the goodbye I prepared for
The last kiss that I anticipated
The hug that fell short and the reason for my secrets and walls being infiltrated

I still fight back feelings of letting go
And twist out of farewell's grip
I'm losing my best friend
And dodging lost in any corner that I find him
Because with you, I was found.

Now I'm just empty space

But you and I both know you can't stay.
You're taking off the bandages that have bound me together so slowly..
As if to slip away unnoticed
But it won't work, because
You were the only one who noticed me

JQP

Why the stars

There's something in the light of the stars
It witnessed my first wishes for friends
For hope for my brother
For someone to fall in love with me
It sees so many kisses
So many heartbreaks
Hears all the truths and all the lies
It sees me wish and wish and start to pray
And beg and beg and cry saying "I can't do it;
I cannot hold out much longer.."
But the light of the stars still shines on me
As if to remind me "look around at where you are, dear"
It takes me back to 5th grade crushes and junior year heartbreaks
It takes me to my first kiss and how fresh water tasted on my lips
It takes me to the first goodbye to Gilbert, and the first time I believed my heart could come out to say hi again
It takes me to hot springs under the stars in Heber with a boy named Carson
And the hours of conversation with Matt, a boy I barely met
It brings me back to opening my heart to Brad, and every goodbye I had with each of them
But it doesn't let me stop there
Because there's something about the light in the stars, it tells me that they've been shining and falling to show me there is beauty growing inside me from the preasure and the pain and as I grow,
Eventually I will fall and it will be long and hard,
And they'll fall with me just to show me that he's falling for me too.
And that promise lulls me off to sleep once more

Because there's something about the light in the stars, I trust it
And I don't really understand why
But it helps.

This poem honestly kinda sucks, but it's exactly how I feel. And I needed to know that for myself.
So thanks for sticking it out with me

~AA

Not forgotten

I know I'm not forgotten
But that doesn't change the way I feel
My shoulders tremble as tears stream down my cheeks
I know I'm not forgotten
But that won't change the the ache inside my chest when it lurches forward--remembering that I have to move on, even as my heart cries it won't trust anyone again
I know I'm not forgotten
But that doesn't change the fact that I will always cry alone
By choice, not by lack of reaching hands..
I know you want to help, but I can't find the courage to be that vulnerable--
It's hard to let people in
I know I'm not forgotten
But that doesn't resolve the last of the goodbyes
Or the laters that come too late
And I'm sorry..
I can let go of grudges, but people aren't as easy to lose
I know I'm not forgotten
But that doesn't change the fact that I struggle every day
To feel I'm still important to someone
To convince myself that someone could love me unconditionally
To remember that there are people who already do

It's not easy to believe it,
Even though
I know I'm not forgotten..

But for those that stick around
For the ones who know my poisoned mind can't see them there
For the people who haven't given up on me still

Thank you for proving it true

I know I'm not forgotten, and sometimes I believe it

Mostly because of you.

~JQP

Dear God,

I know I talk to you all the time, but I really need your help. I'm fighting back tears weeding out thoughts that say I'm just a wimp.. that this is all in my head, that my needs are nonsense and that I'm really okay. But God, it's killing me. I thought it was just the break up or the new girl that filled my shoes, well barefeet. I thought it was the fear in acceptance or the stress of school and the fact I never sleep. I thought it was the fear in taking chances and the PTSD from saying three words that never seem to repeat..

But God..

It's none of that....

It's this battle, deep inside me that tears me heart from mind
It's the feeling of nothing
and then everything at the same time
God, it's looking around at all my friends and all my family, and wanting to scream and cry but always being fine
God, I'm drowning..
And there's no logical reason why

The monsters always come back
The numbness will take its toll
I won't feel you there, but the promise of your return will come with the melting snow

God, please don't leave. Don't let my demons shut you out. I didn't turn from you, I didn't run away, but this glass box keeps you out.

I wish the fall didn't echo in silence
I wish the winter storms wouldn't numb my soul
I wish I could enjoy the holidays with out making sure my mind was safe to let words fall

But most of all God, I wish I was strong enough to fight depression
And not feel hopeless upon it's return
I wish I wouldn't get so scared
And I wish there was a perfect cure

But for now, I'll just remember
That no matter how far I sink
That there's someone drowning with me
That will soon lift me
And push me to breathe the air of freedom
He lowers as my anchor and rises up

My missing link.

-JQP

Fall

Vibrant greens fading into the sunset as the air bites my skin and the seasons change once again
The memories slowly drift to the ground, fly and flow around, its all a broken sound
As the children play each leaf is found
Our memories make for quite the playground.

Yellow orange red then brown, they turn to dust
We can't be found

Once vibrant green, now underground, our memories won't exist now
We can't be found
We can't be found

Our memories don't exist now.

~JQP

Real talk

Real talk. 

I love your laugh. 

The way you light up when you hit even a 4 in excitement makes me smile. 

You're always up to a challenge and it never ceases to amaze me the things you'll do for the ones you care about
Your dedication is mind blowing. Every time you commit to something (or don't) you have full intention of doing what you said you would (or wouldn't). 

Anywhere from getting the answer right in Harry Potter 20 questions or keeping your relationship with the Big Guy strong.

Real talk is that I definitely still like you
And it scares me

but it doesn't hurt me

because you know what it means to keep a promise and I have no doubt that I can trust you

You're loyal

Reliable
Kind

Intelligent
Generous

Hilarious

Understanding

Wise
And just plain wonderful. 

Thank you for that.

Real talk is that I believe in you
And I know that even with everything going on in your life, you'll do well this semester
You'll kill it at work and still be able to help your friends
Because that's who you are. And you aren't alone in it.

Real talk is that you're quite the man. And I couldn't be happier knowing anyone else the way I've come to know you.

I hope you see how invaluable you are

and I hope you know that there is a girl who won't settle because she needs you.

because you're more than immeasurable energy, moonlit kisses and late night conversations

You're more than safe arms, sweet words and ears to listen

You're more than the best friend smile on a hard day, the childhood smile on an adult day and the "you're cute" smile on a messy day

More than good food, favorite places and nothing boxes when life gets hard

Boy, You Are More than anything you could ever imagine. 

So thank you for trusting me
Thank you for sticking around
Thank you for your patience with yourself and with me because I know that's never easy.
I hope you remember how incredible you are and the difference you make in the world.
Because that's real talk.

-AA

my heart is a marathon runner

my heart is a marathon runner
he's the first one on the lineup
and has a tendency to jump the gun.
he takes after me, wherein he has no sense of direction
but he does his best to listen to my mind coaching him from the sidelines
yelling, telling him he's off on the wrong leg
the stopwatch clicks
the gun fires
and he runs
and he runs fast
he may not be in first when the race starts out, but by the middle he has each competitor wading through a cloud of dust
he's convinced this is the race he will win
this is the lap that will get him to you
this is the stride that will reach your embrace
and then he falls.
and boy,
when you're running with all you've got
and you fall,
your heart gets hurt
i see him on the track
stunned and disoriented
in absolute shock
he eventually realizes where he is and tries to stand and run again
but he falters
he's bleeding and bruised
and everyone else ran ahead
friends i know will take him in,
bandage his wounds and teach him how to grow strong once more.
but dear, my heart is a marathon runner
and he's bound to fall again.

-JQP

One Hit Wonder

love is a one-hit wonder.
you hear it on every station
you see it in the theaters-- on and off the screen
everyone seems to love it; but you can't get a good hold of why

you find it to be overplayed and overrated
it's repetitive and annoying and predictable

it's funny cause you liked it at first, 

you played it with your friends and at parties and even blasted it in your room.
but now it's ringing through your headphones and pounding in your ear and you can't seem to get it to stop

boy, I'm sorry I was your one hit wonder

I know I'm on repeat because my heart is bruised from every turn it's taken on this record player
I get old fast and I'm rarely taken off the shelf but I know you'll remember me.
because I was once the music you danced to in your room

the song you played over and over each day on your way to school.

But in the end I got old and became too predictable

and so now-- you've moved on to something new.

~JQP

656.5 hrs

it was j dawgs and disco skating

military terms and self-imposed curfews

it was good morning huns and good night loves

and poisoned stumps with almond coconut cookies

it was coco and we love you sally carmichael and bwws when you never wanted to go

it was 1N6 and Alma32 and centerville stake center scavenger hunts

it was 3 dinners on a sunday and chex cereal on a hard day and wendys because it was arts day

it was the 5th floor and too much homework and every spanish paper i had you edit

it was favorite places and park corners with kids smoking weed behind the trees

it was grandmas house on sunday and birthday dinners and card games of trick

it was ward prayer and colleen and kent and holly and sefa and jordanas' every drama

because as matchmaker and heart saver we braved april 2nd through april 29th

and then it was over.

you're still my best friend

and i miss your arms around me

but i'm happy it happend

and i'm proud of the decision you made

i want the best for you

and i know you want the best for me.

so thank you.

becasue those 656.5 hours were a time i will never forget

~andra

thats how you know it meant something

its okay that he never came

its okay that i wish he did

its okay that my heart sinks everyday

wanting to scream and curse hope for holding my hand all this time--

hand still reaching

feet still wondering

mind outrunning, cunning

a way into my heat

healing the hurt

painting on scars

pumping out pain

hopelessness comes in with the tide

it never stays

it always comes back

i'll cry

i'll shrink

but i'll stand

in the end i always knew

its supposed to hurt.. 

that's how i knew

he meant something.

~AA