mail to 270 s 200 e

oh someone, Please write me a love letter 

paint me a picture of my mind

illustrate the thoughts that pouR off my tongue into the sky lifting souls to the stars

feather in beauty and sadness from the deep sulci entangling each lobe like lace

tell me stories of days you find me dancing doing dishes and singing songs to myself

tell me how you notice the moments when i cry, head bowed, staring into the two lakes i create

tell me i'm the main character, describe who she is and why you think the plot armor is strong enough to save her from her demons

remind me yOu see me

and not just the "andra is always a good friend and does her best and lifts others"

let me know you see the "andra can't seem to wake up on time and is always running late, she doesn't seem to go to classes and is very behind in school and she isn't kind to herself and seems to have stopped believing in her ability to reach her dreams.. i don't think she's okay"

oh please tell me that the girl you fell in loVe with is still in here somewhere..

and if you could

please invite her to be a part of the mess that i am now

oh someone

please write me a love letter

write it to remind my mind that someone could love me

and not just for the good of me

oh please tell me that the dark and the ugly are a part of your love, toO

oh please write me a love letter 

use pretty words and real events and convince my mind that it isn't aboUt someone you've dreamed up

oh please write me a love letTer 

i tried writing one myself..

oh please write me a love letter 

because i don't have the strength

oh please 

if you cannot write me a love letter

let me lie here and cry till it's over 

i wish i didn't need a love letter 

oh how i wish i simply loved me

~jqp

12 AM always made for better poems

desert eyes and a stony back call out "uncle" and beg for sleep

but my wall-street-schedule-brain clicks away

a dog snores at the base of the bed while my husband softly breathes to my right

a day alone begs to meet me on the other side of a good night's rest and I rarely look forward to it

my mind is a maze of my disorder's contradictions

if you go straight remember to be sad that you're alone

turn left? reach out to friends but DO NOT make plans-- This would be a dead-end because you will not follow through and in turn, will feel worse

take a right! hang out with friends but remember anxiety attacks will precede and follow such an event 

don't bother trying to jump the walls, there are a billion more issues about daily tasks and reaching goals beyond social issues

I beg to be rid of the mess

I beg to be put first

I beg to be able to chase my dreams and not be stuck when I can't get myself to eat or clean

I beg to be okay while I preach to others that it's okay to not be..

and sure, maybe it is okay not to be okay, but that doesn't make it suck any less

I have so many good things ahead of me and I can't get myself to see past a lonely 10 hours on a Wednesday

so please dear universe, show me I won't fail

help me see that a life intertwined with excessive tears and shaky hands will lead to joy, too

send me a sign to remember that I still matter

that I'm still seen

that I can still be a friend, and a wife, and a sister or a daughter

remind me that I still bring good to this world and rock me to sleep showing me that rainstorms bring life and that pain instills growth and that I can still grow.. 

i can still grow

~JQP

a love letter; to me

hey,

I see that you've fallen, a lot really-- specifically this week. I know that hurts and I realize you feel like you're failing. and I want you to know that that's okay. Not only okay, but that's good! And I realize you're rolling your eyes at me right now and saying that "it's easy for you to say" thinking that I'm coming out on the other side perfectly alright, but I want to explain that that isn't the case. It's not over yet. And I'm not completely sure if it ever will be. But dang girl, I was sitting in the mundane endless line of work today and I was laughing and smiling with people I didn't even know, and sure! The sadness, like a magnet, came back and latched onto my mind, but that doesn't mean I wasn't happy for an hour or two. Now I also recognize that it's still hard;. Because it isn't lasting. Because after such a good day I still couldn't find the motivation to do so many things that I wanted to do. But I promise you are doing so well. You are still seeing other people and loving them. You still look for ways to give and love and believe. And even though a lot of the time I don't seem like I do, but I believe in you. I trust you to give your all and to love life no matter what hits you-- mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically.. ALL OF IT. You're a fighter and you're the hero in your story. Never stop fighting for what you believe in-- and that includes you.

Yours truly,
you.

5

Once upon a time
I bet you couldn't watch a scary movie all the way through. You proved me wrong and I gained a best friend. 

5 months later you held me tight after I accidentally broke up with my boyfriend. You brought me Rice Chex, Chip cookies, and watched Lilo & Stitch as my mind tried to accept anything aside from reality. 

4 hours reconnecting and realizing you missed me, too. Fingering "hey fam" in the sequin pillow and meeting my roommates and making a promise that we wouldn't say goodbye for now; promising we would give us a try.

3 dates in one week and talking all night. You took the time to ask how I was, I took that time to ask you to be mine. You kissed my lips and memories I had tried to wash away all came flooding back; 

          cuddling on the couch after Black Panther with Logan, Christoph, and your mom coming in and out while watching the game--
                                    buffalo peak and wanting to kiss you so bad I was shaking--
      sleeping in your basement last December because I was too tired to drive home--
                                                   talking about trek with your mom and all her worries in being good enough for the kids she'd be working with, then you and I took a tour of your childhood stomping grounds all while holding your hand and resting my head on your steady shoulder--
            sitting around the campfire at lake palisade, my eyes tracing the stars while you and Erich exchanged stories and jokes with my dad-- 
                                  the night we lie on my living room floor retracing our past, ready for the other to run, when all we received back was acceptance and trust..

2 birthday gifts; one to capture the moments and another to remind you that you sprayed me down with cologne once but that I like it better on you ;)

1 heart that has no way to express its gratitude nor devotion toward the selfless soul that never ceases to keep it safe.


There are so many places I want to take you and people I cannot wait for you to meet, but for what it's worth, the moments I've spent with you don't have me counting down to anything aside from right here and right now with you.

-AA

Euphoria

green-dyed skin around my right ring finger
a "hey fam" fingered on a sequined pillow
the fast-food kid's meal toy in my glove box
your lips inching toward my smile

deep honey eyes stuck on mine
fingers interlocked held at the small of my back
hearts race as if there's a finish line to cross
silence and the moments with my cheek against your chest

this doesn't rhyme
         or flow for that matter
                          but the awkward has changed from shaky to more
                                                                                              and more sure

it's not every day that you get to date your best friend
it's not every day that realities highlight reel beats your dreams
i'm walking blind with the whisper of a promise that you're falling with me
and i think my heart's beginning to believe it

~JQP

It makes sense

If you pick a flower and you keep it in a vase
It will always die faster than if you left it
But if you take a branch and you graft it into another tree,
It will grow and bloom a million times over
You told me I was beautiful
And you displayed me on the windowsill for everyone to see
I didn't realize that you were still out in the garden trying to grow another tree
I didn't think to ask if I was the only flower you kept
I guess I should have faced the sun rather than your eyes
Because in the end, you threw me away as soon as she bloomed right outside.

3 minutes and 29 seconds

Today the air is stale
Recycled phrases echo in conversation
They ask me how I am
I shrug
"I'm good" I say
Because yesterday I was good
Yesterday the air felt fresh
Yesterday I didn't feel my ribcage trying to hug my heart back into place
Even if yesterday didn't have you

Some days are a lot easier than others, I'll admit that
Some nights you never cross my mind
But, holy cow, when you do
You walk on wet concrete, leaving the deepest imprinted path in every cortex
Your paths trace through songs and family members
And all through my phone
I wonder if I should delete the pictures
Or just run back to you all together
Sometimes I wish I was weaker so I could..
Or maybe stronger?

If you love something, let it go
And if it's meant to be, it will come back

These words are too much
The concrete isn't as thick as I make it out to be
I'm doing okay
And I hope you are too
I guess I just wanted to say that I still think of you
And I miss you

Oh and I wanted to add
Hiding your emotions solves nothing
And wearing them on your sleeve in dangerous, so
Now it's the time to find people you can trust
And show them your heart, because that's what matters

Forever yours,
Jane