Dancing with her memories

Holding a shadow
Dancing with a memory
The thing about hearts
They don't care so much if it makes sense

Give the shadows a hug
And a long goodbye
We treasure things they never thought much of
Please, never forget them
I won't forget you

Holding your shadow
Dreaming with her memories
The starlight says goodnight but bare feet and smiles know no end to fairy tales

You see, she's dancing alone in your eyes
But the magic is on the inside

Holding a shadow
Dancing with a memory
That's the thing about hearts
They don't care so much if it makes sense

~JQP

holding on to things only breaks your heart

When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change..


Page 154

I miss you already.. And I've been missing you for a long time


Hey now, hey now. this is what dreams are made of.


Page 160

When I wrote the word goodbye to you something died inside of me, I miss you already


To all those kids who didn't smile back in the hallways


Page 145

I don't think we ever met in person, but I saw you in Paris and haven't been the same since, I miss you already


But, mother, I don't want to grow up.


Page 159

I would do anything to take away the depression, I would rather suffer a million deaths alone than live without your smile, I miss you already


Calc is hard.


Page 161 

I don't know what it was about you this year, but you gave me more confidence in my writing than I thought possible. You're beautiful inside and out, I miss you already


Im a firm believer in impulsive decisions and crashing parties.


Page 166

I look up to you a lot, and I wish you knew it sooner, I miss you already


When I die I would like the people who did group projects with me to lower me into my grave so they can let me down one last time.


Page 169

You have my heart taped beneath the pages of your writing journal, your pens ink flowing in my blood, and I know tape is temporary, but I'm leaving it there, I miss you already


If people remember me for one thing, I want it to be that I was me and no one else.


Page 169

Interesting and always true to yourself you made me feel like I wasn't alone even if we never talked, I miss you already


Dreams are only dreams until you wake up and make them real


Page 170

You've got a friend in me, and I'll never forget you, I miss you already


Give everything but up


Page 169

Im glad you remember me, and thanks, I miss you already


You are going to change the world. Thanks for making an impact on me.


Page 157

I don't believe I ever gave you a hug, but I need to. I miss you already


Holding on to things only breaks your heart.


Page 166

I wish I could hold on forever, and I'm sorry for scaring you, I miss you already



Im trying to cut the ties but I'm bound in heart strings and cheap tape
And maybe you'll all forget me but know this

You changed my life. You kept me alive. Your soul is a brother to the universe.


And listen

I don't know what high school was, but it wasn't hell, and it was no paradise. It wasn't first kisses and first crushes.. sometimes I believe it was just classrooms and lunch periods but it wasn't that either. im looking back at heart aches and long days and stupid teachers with busy work. Im looking at plastered smiles and passed notes and people who never understood what the word depression ever meant to me.

Maybe high school has a true meaning and definition but to me high school wasn't just kids and teachers or passing familiar faces in the hall. High school was finding myself and seeing the story beneath their skin. It was seeing through transparent popularity and facing nights alone with walls bearing
 down.

I hope you know you meant something to me. And I want to thank you for it. Maybe one day I'll finally cut the last tie and let high school go like any normal teenager should-but for now, im holding on tight.

Holding on to things only breaks your heart




Oh well


~AA

returning with honor and castles in the sand

Dearest missionary,

I love you and I honestly have loved hearing from you every week for the past year and a half.
It's been crazy to see you mature and grow
And now I just want to know..
Will you still be one of my best friends?
The kind that talks with me through the night
And doesn't always have advise?
Will you still be a little kid with me on the beach and waste time with me just laughing about nothing? 
I know you've learned a lot these past years and that humility and selflessness are the best ways to happiness
But does that mean we can't be childish anymore? 
Missionary, when I see you when you get home, they tell me I have to grow up
I'll have a cap on my head and a hop in my step
But I'm scared out of my mind of the future
And I know you were too..
And I'll see you when you get here, but only for a minute
So I want to know
Because then they'll tell me to grow up
And I'm not sure I will

Have you?

With love

~Andra


"you grow up in different ways but you still get to be you. i think that you have to remember that YOU are called on a mission, this is YOUR life. Don't loose sight of that. 
I'll admit I think i'M gonna be a little weird coming back, but you'll help me adjust and be the "normal" commandment abiding citizen that i am ;)

NO worries, i'mma be a kid forever!!!"

two weeks from tomorrow

my stomach clenched just writing the title.

maybe i'm the only one
but this isn't easy

we look at the 28th as if its a finish line
but last night reminded me that the 28th is the edge of this cliff
one that i have almost no courage jumping off

reach your peak

twelve years of sitting in classrooms for 6 hrs a day
and we all just keep wishing it away

i can't wait 'til i start school

i can't wait 'til recess

i can't wait 'til i'm a 6th grader

i can't wait 'til i get a locker

i can't wait 'til i get a boyfriend 

i can't wait 'til i get to high school

i can't wait 'til i get my license

i can't wait 'til i get a car

i can't wait 'til i'm 18

i can't wait 'til i graduate....

looking up to seniors like they were gods 
thinking graduation was the celebration of a lifetime;

and maybe you're all pumped to get out of happy valley
maybe you cant wait to finally get out of your parents house
maybe your completely ready to leave all of this behind


but me?

i'm fighting back tears just to make it seem like i'm ready too
i'm fighting going home because the last time i'll see these people who have changed my life is coming too fast and i know i can't hold on to them much longer..

i don't know why this is so hard
i don't understand why i cried so much at my last concert with chamber
i don't get what causes my wishes for this not to end

i mean i don't love school so don't get me wrong on that
but school is where i grew up
school was my safe haven when my brother abused me
school was where i learned how to make friends
where i made friends that have changed my life forever
school is where i spent unfailing hours learning how to love
where i was bullied as a kid
school is where i was inspired to teach
where i learned why people don't like teachers
school is where i fell in love with kindness
where i found i could sing and act
and dance even
school taught me how to read and write
school is where i got the courage to audition for something i didn't have a chance in making
where i found the courage to fall in love
school may have taught me to be uniform
but school taught me how to rebel
how to procrastinate with purpose
school taught me that being different was okay
and maybe it was even cool
school taught me how to cry at math problems
and school taught me how to cram
that failing a test was okay, but i should keep trying.
and lastly school taught me how to lose someone
school taught me that moving away could be for the better
that losing friends wasn't the end
that caring may not save them, but it can help
that even when its all over
there are still steps to be taken



and maybe its good i'm getting away
maybe i need a break from homework all-nighters
and emotional finals
maybe it's time to walk away from the life ive been living since before i can remember

but two weeks from tomorrow i'll be crying
i'll visit the airport to see my that-day-home sister missionary
i'll walk to receive a handshake and a piece of paper with a smile plastered on my face
i'll give a teary eyed hug to my little sister
i'll wish my brother was by my side
i'll cry when i realize she's really home
i'll thank my grandparents for coming
i'll kiss my daddy on the cheek
and then i'll see my mom
she'll see the fear of growing up in my eyes
she'll tell me i'm ready
and i'll let that prolonged tear slip from my eyes

i'll walk away holding my best friend's hands
i'll stay up all night laughing and smiling
then i'll wake up and realize its over

it'll be 6th grade all over again
i'll drive home with nostalgia pumping through my veins
i'll see each memory passing by
and i'll let it happen

and heaven knows it wont be easy


and heaven knows i'm not ready



you're all counting down to the last day of high school
but i'm trying to run the other direction

i keep telling myself i need to say thank you
i need to tell them how much it meant
i need to tell him i like him
and i need to tell her she's beautiful
i need to smile in the mirror and tell myself

thank you



to every freaking single person

thank you for changing my life 



and to school

thank you for pushing me and teaching me discipline
thank you for my favorite teachers
thank you for the teachers i hated
thank you for teaching me how to live
and giving me times i wish i weren't alive

and thank you for forming me
and who i am
for life lessons and math lessons

thank you for being the worst best thing that ever happened to me.

and here's to you graduation-- please don't be as sad as i think you'll be

~AA

it will soon seem effortless

The days last years without a hand to hold onto
The pain doesn't end
I should be okay.. Why am I not okay?..
It's okay not to be okay
There are no words I could use
There is nothing I have felt
To amount to the pain
To amount to the longing
It's okay not to be okay

There's a girl I know
She lost her peace
Her future
Her everything
She lost him
It's been two years now
She holds a fragile peace of mind that cannot stand on its own
She wakes up every morning to the nightmare she must accept as reality

Two years and her heart still drops when she steps out of bed
Two years and she questions still how she'll ever be okay
It's okay not to be okay

There are moments of joy
Followed by moments of pain
Always accompanying each other
Hand in hand they take you through this life

Nostalgia takes each breath wherever you go
You see shadows of the past and feel the light slipping away
Everyone's around to listen but there are no words to say
Opening up to anyone else seems impossible
So tears are all you speak

You smile to chase the worry away
But no convincing could change the emptiness in your chest
The hollow in your throat
The shaking on your fingers

It's okay not to be okay

Time will heal
But don't count the minutes
Breathing is hard
But it's worth the results
Moving forward doesn't mean moving on just yet

There are always arms to hold you
Hearts to listen
And friends who will stay by your side
No matter the pain
No matter the darkness
There's no hurry to stand up
Just keep breathing

Shoulds don't control you
And hands exist to hold you
Pain tries to overthrow you
But darling, I know you

Your strong enough to hold on tight
This ride is full of high ups and low downs
Just remember when you hit rock bottom
The foundation I see beneath you
Will lift you up again.

I believe in you
It's okay not to be okay
One day the air will be thicker
It will soon seem effortless
To breathe again

~AA

always listening to your secondhand serenades

Hey friend..


I hope next year is better without me


If you're still listening..


I'll never forget the first and only time you gave me three words-it was over text and I shouldn't have read it.


If you're still listening..


She makes a great best friend, I know because she's been one of mine


If you ask her to be more..


Experience says she's going to tell you no, and so will I, I'm sorry I'm not willing to be plan b....


If you're still listening..


Im tired of secondhand serenades and they never sounded right slipping from untouchable lips


If you're still listening..


Show me I'm wrong and maybe I'll stay but you should have told me to go before it got this far..


If you're still listening..


I'm sorry I'm not who I thought I was--a boy took that away long ago and I guess I never got it back




And if you're still listening.. I'm still breathing


Thanks for everything

~AA