A tourist in Paris

I was thinking
And I haven't visited as often as I used to
And I realized why

This used to be my way of pretending there was someone listening

And when I don't feel heard
Or I can't seem to express myself

I come here

I sit beneath a shadow of thoughts
Lie in the grass of disexpression
Lean on the tree of imaginary friends
And I share my heart
Expressing it to the wind where human hands cannot grasp it
And thieving words cannot phase it
Broken souls cannot shake it

And beating hearts cannot hold it

I know this is an escape, but maybe I've been using it for the wrong reasons. And maybe its time that I allow my heart into the real world again
With cold, red ears to listen
And trembling hands to hold
Scraped knees to kneel beside me
And a broken heart to heal my own

I realize I want to run
And keep to myself
But my heart won't live long here in Paris
And I need to come home

~JQP

first car crash

One look down to figure out where I am
I look back up and it's too late
The light all too suddenly red and traffic already headed the other way
But before my foot
                               finds
          the
                       break..

      I M P A C T
the front of my car takes the blow although appears to be fine
The car still runs, but I know there's so much more that must be wrong..

I wonder about the other car

I believe there was a family inside

I think I saw a mother, and I can almost hear her silent prayer that her little boy is okay

My body wracks with adrenaline
I'm not hurt, I don't think, but soon the soreness tickles every inch of me to remind me of the collision

My car is examined and declared totaled upon arrival
                 the front smashed in,
                            the radiator busted..

"There's no use in repairing it when the repairs are more than what the car is worth" my dad says as he wipes grease from his hands and stands with his hands on his hips in a way only dad's can really do

I feel so stupid for even trying to drive the car;
I only had received my licence two weeks prior and now I've completely totalled a vehicle

I don't trust myself to drive
And I don't want to go to work
And I really don't want to know how bad the other car must be

But I do..

The other car drove away with minor scratches and an eye out for inattentive drivers
I still go to work, even tho I'm late
And I'll be driving myself home tonight, whether I like it or not..

Because in the end, it may have left me shaken, but life won't let me give up that easy

And I know you think this story is about my first totalled car
And I thought it was, too

But it turns out it was about a simple boy who captured my heart in his eyes
But who was driving the other direction all along
And when I looked down for just a second to figure out where I was, we crashed

And when we stepped away

He was okay

And I was left to find another ride home

But I remember my conclusion; life didn't let me give up that easy
Even though I broke down on the side of the road with no hero willing to drive me home, I didn't throw in the towel
Even when every muscle ached, I went and worked
Even when the other driver walked away with a mere scratch on their car and I walked away with a ticket, I smiled and said I was grateful that it wasn't worse

And I am
And I won't
So I'm good

Because I realize that I don't have to be okay to not give up
I just have to keep moving forward with all I have left

So thank God for 17 year old car crashes and 22 year old break ups and remembering that although the car wasn't worth saving, it was worth remembering

And one day I'll look back and not mind if it still hurts
Because I've come to know it's supposed to hurt

That's how I know it meant something

~AA

a little girls dream

My heart is dreaming again, and not of you
Not of anyone in specific

It's as if I believe in princes again and I don't mind that you found your princess
Because Ive found you were my friend, but not my prince
And whether he's on a white horse or in a beat down, makeshift car, or even taking the local train,
I believe he'll come, and he'll love God, and he'll love me
And that will be more than enough.

~AA

A first love

If he was the first to hold you
Is that supposed to mean something?
The first one who told you he loved you
The first one to kiss your lips and feel the need to be closer than space would allow

When he says goodbye
How long is it supposed to hurt?
When he finds another love
When he slow dances with her while you stand in the corner
When he falls to one knee and offers her the ring that once filled your dreams

It's a moment that I never wished to live
It's a nightmare that fills her every daydream
It's reality that as of December 5th exists

Break. I dare you to break one more time heart, in the name of Gilbert Michael Burns. JUST BREAK.

Send lightening down the middle and create a generic crack straight through
Shatter into a million pieces and erode away as dust
Let the wind scatter the ashes of what used to be
And don't come back

Please don't come back.

I spread my secrets thin, never all at once
Never all in the same place
I don't want to hand my heart to anyone

Not anyone at all

My mind repeatedly runs into wall after wall after wall
Welcoming the pain of never ending misunderstandings
I try to trust and open up
I don't know how

Not after you left after begging me to stay
Not after you walked her to our bench and stopped asking me "how was your day?"
Not after you told me it was right for us to have drifted apart
Not after the day she told me he held a ring and she held his heart

He was my first love
And probably my last love
As long as my heart breaks and scatters and keeps it's promises to keep to itself.

-aa

Two syllables, no sound

Yours will be the goodbye I prepared for
The last kiss that I anticipated
The hug that fell short and the reason for my secrets and walls being infiltrated

I still fight back feelings of letting go
And twist out of farewell's grip
I'm losing my best friend
And dodging lost in any corner that I find him
Because with you, I was found.

Now I'm just empty space

But you and I both know you can't stay.
You're taking off the bandages that have bound me together so slowly..
As if to slip away unnoticed
But it won't work, because
You were the only one who noticed me

JQP

Why the stars

There's something in the light of the stars
It witnessed my first wishes for friends
For hope for my brother
For someone to fall in love with me
It sees so many kisses
So many heartbreaks
Hears all the truths and all the lies
It sees me wish and wish and start to pray
And beg and beg and cry saying "I can't do it;
I cannot hold out much longer.."
But the light of the stars still shines on me
As if to remind me "look around at where you are, dear"
It takes me back to 5th grade crushes and junior year heartbreaks
It takes me to my first kiss and how fresh water tasted on my lips
It takes me to the first goodbye to Gilbert, and the first time I believed my heart could come out to say hi again
It takes me to hot springs under the stars in Heber with a boy named Carson
And the hours of conversation with Matt, a boy I barely met
It brings me back to opening my heart to Brad, and every goodbye I had with each of them
But it doesn't let me stop there
Because there's something about the light in the stars, it tells me that they've been shining and falling to show me there is beauty growing inside me from the preasure and the pain and as I grow,
Eventually I will fall and it will be long and hard,
And they'll fall with me just to show me that he's falling for me too.
And that promise lulls me off to sleep once more

Because there's something about the light in the stars, I trust it
And I don't really understand why
But it helps.

This poem honestly kinda sucks, but it's exactly how I feel. And I needed to know that for myself.
So thanks for sticking it out with me

~AA

Not forgotten

I know I'm not forgotten
But that doesn't change the way I feel
My shoulders tremble as tears stream down my cheeks
I know I'm not forgotten
But that won't change the the ache inside my chest when it lurches forward--remembering that I have to move on, even as my heart cries it won't trust anyone again
I know I'm not forgotten
But that doesn't change the fact that I will always cry alone
By choice, not by lack of reaching hands..
I know you want to help, but I can't find the courage to be that vulnerable--
It's hard to let people in
I know I'm not forgotten
But that doesn't resolve the last of the goodbyes
Or the laters that come too late
And I'm sorry..
I can let go of grudges, but people aren't as easy to lose
I know I'm not forgotten
But that doesn't change the fact that I struggle every day
To feel I'm still important to someone
To convince myself that someone could love me unconditionally
To remember that there are people who already do

It's not easy to believe it,
Even though
I know I'm not forgotten..

But for those that stick around
For the ones who know my poisoned mind can't see them there
For the people who haven't given up on me still

Thank you for proving it true

I know I'm not forgotten, and sometimes I believe it

Mostly because of you.

~JQP