it will soon seem effortless

The days last years without a hand to hold onto
The pain doesn't end
I should be okay.. Why am I not okay?..
It's okay not to be okay
There are no words I could use
There is nothing I have felt
To amount to the pain
To amount to the longing
It's okay not to be okay

There's a girl I know
She lost her peace
Her future
Her everything
She lost him
It's been two years now
She holds a fragile peace of mind that cannot stand on its own
She wakes up every morning to the nightmare she must accept as reality

Two years and her heart still drops when she steps out of bed
Two years and she questions still how she'll ever be okay
It's okay not to be okay

There are moments of joy
Followed by moments of pain
Always accompanying each other
Hand in hand they take you through this life

Nostalgia takes each breath wherever you go
You see shadows of the past and feel the light slipping away
Everyone's around to listen but there are no words to say
Opening up to anyone else seems impossible
So tears are all you speak

You smile to chase the worry away
But no convincing could change the emptiness in your chest
The hollow in your throat
The shaking on your fingers

It's okay not to be okay

Time will heal
But don't count the minutes
Breathing is hard
But it's worth the results
Moving forward doesn't mean moving on just yet

There are always arms to hold you
Hearts to listen
And friends who will stay by your side
No matter the pain
No matter the darkness
There's no hurry to stand up
Just keep breathing

Shoulds don't control you
And hands exist to hold you
Pain tries to overthrow you
But darling, I know you

Your strong enough to hold on tight
This ride is full of high ups and low downs
Just remember when you hit rock bottom
The foundation I see beneath you
Will lift you up again.

I believe in you
It's okay not to be okay
One day the air will be thicker
It will soon seem effortless
To breathe again

~AA

always listening to your secondhand serenades

Hey friend..


I hope next year is better without me


If you're still listening..


I'll never forget the first and only time you gave me three words-it was over text and I shouldn't have read it.


If you're still listening..


She makes a great best friend, I know because she's been one of mine


If you ask her to be more..


Experience says she's going to tell you no, and so will I, I'm sorry I'm not willing to be plan b....


If you're still listening..


Im tired of secondhand serenades and they never sounded right slipping from untouchable lips


If you're still listening..


Show me I'm wrong and maybe I'll stay but you should have told me to go before it got this far..


If you're still listening..


I'm sorry I'm not who I thought I was--a boy took that away long ago and I guess I never got it back




And if you're still listening.. I'm still breathing


Thanks for everything

~AA

I'm with Ben. You can have Jerry

There's some left over Prom in fridge. You can have it if you'd like, but I'm sick of it.

~AA

Can I lay by your side

I don't know what time it was
all I remember is the all too familiar pit in my stomach
the flutter of my heart before it disappeared completely

you know
I learned something today
the only thing I'm actually good at
is being nice

that's it

I'm not good at acting, singing, dancing, writing

but hey
I'm good at being nice
so that's always good

too bad I'm no good at being nice to myself

I just need to get away.

I look up to the grey sky
she seems nice enough
her light doesn't hurt my eyes
and she doesn't show off
she has the most wonderful talent
she can rain.
and when she rains, well
people look away
they go inside
they don't like to sit out while the grey sky cries
but I do
I dance in her tears and rejoice in my own
and drenched in the pain
I find release

standing in wet grass
barefoot with freedom
splashing in puddles and breathing in the softest tears

I see stone after stone
name after name
a tin plaque
flowers that passed on
all dressed in tears

fitting

I'm planted in this field of fears and I'm growing tall
thriving in this storm

the grey sky cries with me
and I don't feel like dancing anymore

I don't know what time it was
all I remember is the all too familiar pit in my stomach
..that's my heart on the ground
its six feet above yours but its sinking down fast
and darling I've walked away so many times

but can I just stay here?

the ground is cool under my back
and the grey sky doesn't want to cry anymore
but I'm wet
and I'm cold
and I'm here

and my heart is with you
..take care of it for me?


please don't send it back
I don't want to feel anymore
its easier to pretend this way

hurt is too real in this world and I don't want pain as my closest friend anymore

the sky has cleared but my roots are too deep to remove
I still see the loose soil and maybe
just maybe
there's a way I could be with you just a little longer
feel you there just one more time

can I lay by your side?

just one more time?..

~JQP

for the poet

you know I promised myself I would never fall for a guy who played football
I guess I have to say I don't always keep my promises now

it was dark and loud and exhaustion was surely the cause
but you opened up to me so easily
you told me there was something about me
that just lead you to trust me

and I'm pretty sure I told you I probably wouldn't do the same.

yet now you hold my diary in the palms of your hands
and I don't think I'll tear it out of them this time (sorry for the first time, the truth sometimes terrifies me)

I know I dont know the details
But I know the plot line
And your story has me hooked
You grew up in a world that I've never lived
Only seen
Never known
Only studied
And I wanna know
I want to feel how you put the sparks in your eyes
I want to climb to where you discovered dry hands and midnights scars
Can you show me the day that God put that crooked smile on your face
And the eyes that first made yours fall in love
Tell me of the nights when time escaped your mind and nothing mattered except that the stars lasted all year round and you never had to let go
Draw your constellations on my ceiling so my dreaming finds them too
Tell me everything
Tell me anything
But only if you want to

I see your eyes and they see a different universe
One where blue eyes and gold hair dance in the sunlight
One with soprano melodies and clumsy smiles and playful laughter
I can tell that she's all that you see
And I don't blame you
She's radiant, intelligent and kind
Courageous and confident
And I don't want anything less for you
So I've stayed silent
But not silent enough

You saw my words as they crept out of the chambers of my heart
You were worried
But you were kind
You held me tighter and gave me reason to hold on
But why do you still stand so close?
Why did I find my head on your shoulder and your breath too completely familiar by my ear

I'm trying to piece this puzzle together but it seems the pieces you've given me are from a completely different picture
You like her.
Not me.
Right..? 
Of course right.
You told me so yourself.
So I mean I don't mind the proximity
But the meaning had me confused--
I'm on an unmarked trail and there're a couple miles to the peak
But something tells me that when I get there, neither side of this mountain will show me the view I long to see

I have a feeling that view remains back at the trail head
Where I was too excited to take my time
Take a breath
And see what you really meant

You lost me when you gave me three words
And it's a long hike down
But it's downhill
And worth it or not
I want to understand.



~AA

let the small things cover your canvas

Hope was a floral card in a small pink envelope

Hope had small hands and big blue eyes and held me tight when words couldn't touch me

Hope called me bby and sent me ugly faces on Snapchat and liked me best in a T-shirt with no makeup

Hope picked me up in a minnie van with a balloon and reassurance in the back seat and we drove all over town till we ran out of gas.

Hope tells me it's okay to cry

Hope stayed up with me all night long when they died..

Hope makes late night phone calls and cries-- telling me I can't leave.. Saying that hope still needs me

Hope brought me tears..the gift of finally feeling something

Hope reminded me of the little blonde blue eyed girl

Hope resonated no

Hope made me promise

Hope says there's light



And hope was is right

Dear hope.. Please don't let me give up on you

~A

please
don't give up
i've probably never even come close to your darkness
but i've lived my own
"we all need somebody to talk to
somebody that will listen
somebody that understands"
pain is real.
no matter what they say
don't let it consume you
"be strong enough to stand alone
smart enough to know when you need help
and brave enough to ask for it"
I know all you ever wanted was release
but please hold on.
head up.
heart strong.
don't lose hope.
you tend to face each battle as if you were,
but you're not alone in this fight
remember those who stand behind you
ready to catch you if your step begins to falter;
they aren't leaving.
you are worth it.
maybe you don't believe in yourself
but I do.
you are strong.
you are a fighter.
you are cherished.
you are worth it.
you have so much to live for
so many who love you
so much to give
don't forget that.
maybe you're told you're worthless
selfish
stupid
unloved
never enough
don't let them convince you.
maybe you're told you're perfect
flawless
the answer
a genius
don't let that overwhelm you.
live up to your best ability and forget expectations.
please don't give up
i'm doing my best to cheer you on
and these stands aren't empty.
head up.
heart strong.
pain is real,
but so is hope.
you're not alone
pain isn't forever.
I believe in you.
we're in this fight
Together

~AA